Imperfection is beauty

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2009-02-22T04:41:00.000-05:00

i don't use this much anymore.

sick.

2009-01-16T23:55:00.001-05:00

I'm the sickest I've been in a while. Mono. Fucking mono. Seriously? My tonsils are about the size of golf balls. My throat hurts so much, I can't swallow. It feels like there is something about the size of a baseball lodged in my throat. My body aches all over. This explains the fevers/rash/migraines that I've been getting lately. Here I thought I had strep throat. Nope, definitely worse. Needless to say, I'm fucking MISERABLE.

great.

2009-01-05T23:52:00.003-05:00

poughkeepsie was fun.
and i've come to like it there.
it was really good seeing friends.
(especially a certain one.. )
and of course, meeting new ones.

still kicking myself in the ass, though.
i wish i would have said something. damn.
now i know. but it's all good.

nervousness

2009-01-03T22:01:00.002-05:00

settling, always settling in.

tomorrow, courntey and i
will be treking it out to
ugly poughkeepsie. oy.

regardless, the rest of my mini vacation shall be glorious.

"and since we're being honest.."

2008-12-24T21:33:00.004-05:00

i'm into you. you are taking up every inch of my mind lately and i don't know how to deal with it. i haven't felt like this in a long time... it's a ridiculous feeling.

let the nervousness feeling settle in again. ugh.

i'm going crazy, crazy, crazy, baby, crazy, crazy!

feist your fucking eyes on this asshole!

2008-12-23T15:58:00.005-05:00

now i'm giving you something worthwhile to read.

i'm really starting to hate you. you're annoying as fuck. you're arrogant. you're mean. you only are concerned about yourself. you think that you are SO great and so much fucking better than everyone else. you think you are ALWAYS right. really, who are you kidding? you're not. you're JUST like everyone else. you find out that i like someone else, that ISN'T you (for the record, I wasn't really ever interested... nor will i EVER be interested.) oh shit, i bet your temper is boiling. now you're nothing but mean to me.. oh that's right. you were only nice when you were trying to get with me (which was never going to happen!) get over yourself and your fucking ego. you're a piece of fucking shit.

how's that for a fucking poem?!

FUCK YOU and go kill yourself! kthanks.

today is a sad day.

2008-12-23T15:24:00.001-05:00

i'm all out of my can't stop won't stop chapstick.

2008-12-22T20:11:00.002-05:00

this weekend was great. although it was a treacherous drive; (a drive that was supposed to take 5 hours, took a long, nasty 9 hours to get to poughkeepsie) it was fucking worth it and i loved every second of it.

the show on friday got canceled, due to the fact that poughkeepsie was in a state of emergency. oh well... picked up my boys in DSI and it turned out that we had a room reserved at the same hotel as all the bands. so we partied all night. played a game called landmines that branden taught me and my girls... some people joined in. it was fun. (too much) went down the hall to play beer pong in JS' room. warned jack he was in for a rude awakening because he's a sore loser and i'm a sick pong player. was kicking his and his partner's ass and then we were head to head and everytime they threw the ball i would just catch them... jack couldn't handle it and declared me winner. LOL... we faught it out later on.. but it didn't last long (really, it just ended with me giving him the puppy dog face and him not being able to not laugh at me, so i won). hung out with him nearly all night... we had fun. we have fun with each other. nothing serious. just enjoying each other's company. good cuddler, though. i have no idea why i felt as nervous as i did beforehand.

although i felt like death, i was a trooper and still made it out to the show on saturday. i was more nervous walking into it than i was the night before. i literally could have thrown up all over the place. but i kept my composure. the show itself was a kick ass show... loved all the bands that were playing... it just made it for a good fucking night. it was really good seeing him. i never know what to expect or what to think when we're around each other. there was this 17yr old chick who wanted on him and he was like "excuse me, i would so go to jail. oh my god!" and the bitch got pissed off about it. i'm like "oh, ps! I got dibs anyways!" haha, sometimes i have balls... and he loved it. i'm glad that at the end of the night it was only him and i because it was probably one of the best time's i've had with him since this whole thing started. we got to know a little more about each other... we finally had an opportunity just to be real and genuine with each other. OH and! my outfit was KICK ASS... (he approved) hahaha... needless to say, i can't help but like this boy A LOT and i'm more open with him than i have been with any guy in a really long time. it almost scares me. but i'm figuring it out on my own. if it backfires, it backfires... i'm okay with that.

he taught me something this weekend... and for the most part, i've always known this, but never applied it to myself because i always felt over ruled... like nothing ever mattered and i was never, nor would i ever be good enough. but he put things into perspective for me. when he said it, it just made more sense to me.

"You're numero uno. You live for yourself. If you don't live for yourself, there is no point in anything. You live life for the moment, not the past; but for right now. You live for the present and you live for the future."

there was more to this discussion, obviously. but it was personal and it meant a lot to me... he makes me giddy. i can't help it.

yippee-i-yo-ka-yay!

2008-12-18T23:38:00.000-05:00

in less than twelve hours...
an amazing (hopefully) weekend lies ahead of me.

ugh.

2008-12-16T01:14:00.001-05:00

i can't wait for this weekend.
i can't wait to see you friday.
i can't wait to see you saturday.
.... to say the least...
this is going to be WEIRD!

awkward.

2008-12-14T22:47:00.001-05:00

i love awkward situations.
this weekend is going to be glorious.
for the most part.

i'm so excited and unbelievably anxious.
but TERRIBLY nervous at the same time.

i love it when random people follow you on twitter.
then you call them out and they're like
"oh hey, maybe we can talk in person again
one of these days, because the internet gets old.."

how bout this weekend?!!

bahahaha.

my life has become so weird.

Hello world.

2008-12-11T00:48:00.000-05:00

I've been posting stupid surveys a lot lately.
My apologies. I know they are annoying.
I really have found myself filling them out
just to kill time... to make me not think of the
things that are really going on in my mind.

These last couple of months have been nothing
but the best. I really have no REAL complaints.
Just lots of thoughts are drenching my brain.

I'm thankful for all my new friends that I've made.
A lot of them are the most genuine people that I've
met in an awfully long time. Being in their presence
was refreshing and I'm super glad to have met them.
It's all about time and place.

Time and distance is the most horrible concept.
I hate it. There are so many people and faces
that I miss, that I'm starting to get incredibly
impatient. It's ridiculous. I used to be the queen
of patience and here I am... freaking out.

I miss you.
I miss you.
and I most certainly, miss you.

I have to slow down, rewind and take a breather.
I've just been running at such a fast pace.. I'm
going to burn myself out sooner or later.

Is it so wrong to say though, that despite my last few
statements, I actually like that I've been stepping
outside of my element lately? Is it so hard to believe?
Really. I'm just starting to really enjoy life and to take it
as it comes. Though some things are quite surprising,
(believe me, I'm surprising myself more so than yourself)
but I like it that I'm not keeping myself so well reserved
anymore. At least now I can say that I truly do, have
a backbone and that I know I'm growing into my own
person.... I'm still taking life day by day.. head up.

I have hope. I'm dealing with patience.
"I get by with a little help from my friends."

Yeah.

2008-12-10T23:56:00.000-05:00

Do you sleep with one leg out from under the covers?
Sometimes... it's not like I can really control what I'm doing in my sleep.

How many times have you eaten sushi?
oh wow, I don't even know. Sushi is one of my favorites!!

What do you want right now?
December 19th, 20th and 21st to get here ASAP. <333

Do you have any Jordan's or Matt's in your cell phone?
I used to have a Jordan in my phone... not anymore. Not sure what happened to that.
But I have 5 different Matt's in my phone.

Think of the last time you stayed at someones house, where is that?
hmmm. the last house I was at was Branden from Drive Side Impact stayed there til around 5am.. but physically slept over night? I want to say Leah's, but if it wasn't Leah's it was Abbey's.

Are you starting to realize anything?
Actually, yes. A few things right now... I'm learning to deal with patience. I used to be SO good with dealing with things.. but my anxiety is getting the best of me lately.

What side of a heart do you draw first?
Right.

Whose car were you in last?
My own.

Do you have empty alcohol bottles hidden anywhere?
Not hidden. I do have a bottle of jack in my trunk. HA!

Where's your mom and dad?
My parents are sleeping.

Last person you saw other than your family?
I'm currently staring at Courtney. She's spending the night and is crashing on my floor.

What did you think about when you first woke up?
"Ah fuck, I gotta work. Ah fuckkkkkk, I gotta get to work early because Courtney has to be there at 6am."

What are you going to do after this?
Hitting the sheets.

Are you a jealous person?
Not really. I hold my own.

You had one day to live, would you stay home?
Fuck no.

If you could do something differently, would you go back?
Depends on the situation.

What's irritating you right now?
The idea of patience.

Have you done anything embarrassing lately?
Well, there was this one time in California... everybody involved knows where this is going.

Is there a high chance of you going out to the movies soon?
Yep. I haven't seen Role Models yet.

Who was your last text message from?
Jenna - my manager. Making plans to go out. :0)

It's Friday at noon, where are you?
working, most likely.

Is your current hair color your natural hair color?
It's black, my actual natural color is extremely dark brown.

Who was the last person to call you?
Kendyl.

Is this year the best year of your life?
HANDS DOWN!

Where is your mobile?
Uh, mobile? Who really calls it that anymore? my CELL PHONE is in front of me.

Would you rather your partner have gorgeous eyes or a gorgeous smile?
wow. I would prefer to have both, I'm a huge eye person.. but I think I'd have to say gorgeous smile.

Have you ever kissed anyone with a name that starts with S or A?
S, no. A, yes.

What did it mean to you?
one of the boys whose name started with an A, I had my first real kiss with. I was head over heals about him for a while.

Where's the person you miss most?
She's in Los Angeles. I see her face in a little over a week!! :0)

Looking back, did you ever waste too much time on a certain boy or girl?
STORY OF MY LIFE. I wasted 8 fucking years of my life with AN ASSHOLE.
but I guess I wouldn't have found out that we just weren't meant to be.

Do you know anyone who's addicted to any drugs?
I'm sure I know a couple people. But I'm no longer associated with them so I don't know.

Could you ever be friends again with someone that broke your heart?
I'm not friends with the guy that broke my heart. So, no.

Do you love someone that doesn't know you love them?
I'm not in love with anybody...

Are your eyes the same colour as your mum's or dad's?
I have brown eyes, they both have brown eyes.

Is there a difference between love and in love?
Absolutely. You can LOVE something, but be IN LOVE with someone. If you can understand the difference.

Do you hate anyone?
I can't say I hate anyone, but I despise someone.

Do you give out second chances?
I have... sometimes I still do, but I have a better sense of who I am and don't tolerate the bullshit anymore.

Have you ever hated someone, but ended up being friends with them?
Actually, yes.

What do you think about your number three on your top friends?
Courtney is my bestest friend.

What do you think your number 1 is doing right now?
Probably just got home from work not too long ago. Courtney and I stopped up to visit Nicole tonight. :0)

How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust ?
I trust my dad. I trust Ken. I trust Mark... so three.

Do you think age matters in relationships?
Sometimes, but it really all depends on the person and how they maintain themselves.

Can you recall the last time you sincerely liked someone a lot?
I currently "sincerely like" two different guys right now. They both make me giddy. Sucks.

Have you ever written anything on a bathroom wall or door?
HAHA, yeah... probably when I was like, 15? hahaha

Will you be in a relationship in 4 months?
Optimistic, but not counting on it.

Do you have good eye sight?
Yes, for the most part.

Who do you blame for your mood today?
I've been in the same mood for about 3 days now. I don't know why.

What was the first thing you did this morning?
Got ready for work.

How do you vent your anger?
Music. Bitch out loud. Vent to a friend. Go for a drive. Go to sleep.

Do you have any siblings?
2 older brothers, 1 younger sister.

Do you think you’ll be married in 10 years ?
Uh, it's a possibility. But, I wouldn't care if I'm not.

Do you know anyone with the same name as you?
A few.

You think that I can't see..

2008-11-10T23:44:00.001-05:00

Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced?
I do believe I will be getting my monroe pierced soon. I'm still debating though.

Are you interested in anyone at the moment?
Most definitely so.

What did you do this weekend?
Friday I went out with Nicole, where we got hit on by every man in Buffalo.
It was definitely creeper night, that's for sure.
Saturday I went to see Pierce The Veil and Breathe Carolina<3 with Alex!
It was so much fun. I also took him to his first Mighty Taco experience.

Are you in a good mood right now?
I'm trying to be in a good mood. It's just hard for me right now. I've been up and down all day.

What's bothering you right now?
Oh a mixture of things. The fact that one of my best friends is severely disappointed with me
and there isn't really anything I can do to change that, but wait for her to work it out.
Also, there is this boy who I'm trying so hard not to get caught up in but I cannot help it.
It's a bizarre situation that I'm still trying to understand. Oy.

Last thing you and your ex boyfriend/girlfriend talked about?
We broke up in February. The last time I talked to him was in March, because he wanted me to take him back.

Last female you slept in the same room with?
Abberz!!

Do you need to say anything to someone?
I've said all I could say to one person... and it's not the time to say anything to the other.

When was the last time someone yelled at you, and why?
I got yelled at on Friday by my mother because I didn't have all my car payment money.
This Friday I'll probably get yelled at because I don't have enough money for my car insurance.

Do you get along with your mom?
Yes, for the most part. My mother is one of my best friends. We have our moments,
just like the next mother and daughter duo.

What's something you'd like to have right now?
I would like to talk to this boy, but I'm refraining because I do not chase.
I do not want to feel needy. I don't want him to get the wrong idea.
I would also like to cuddle with him, because he's a wonderful cuddler.
... and he smells nice. ;0)

Are you more hot or cold at the moment?
Omigod am I fucking cold!

How's your hair today?
I'm actually having a good hair day. It's half back and looks cute.

Do you fall for people easily?
Sometimes. I'd be lying to myself if I said I didn't..

Does the last person you held hands with, mean anything to you?
Yeah...

What shirt are you wearing?
Gray hollister open button shirt.

When was the last time you talked to your number 1?
(myspace) I talked to Nicole earlier today. :)

Do you think you'll be in a relationship 3 months from now?
I could be in one, however, probably not. but we'll see.

Do you know anyone that smokes pot?
Plenty.

What will you do after this survey?
Go to bed.

Do you trust people easily?
Not usually.

Have you ever made out against a car?
Yes.

Who did you last talk to for longer than 10 minutes on the phone?
Alex

Ever kissed a blonde haired, blue eyes person?
If you count the time Cody dyed his hair blonde. If not, then nope.

Do you get distracted easily?
Sometimes. Today, for sure.

Look at your planner. Do you have any plans for December 31st?
I hope whatever I am doing, I have a better time than I did last year.

Who was the last baby you held?
I was driving the shuttle at the hotel. This woman had bought a bunch of things at Walmart
and couldn't manage to carry all her bags plus her almost 2 year old son, Cameron. I asked if she
needed any help and she told me to grab her son, because now apparently my job duties entail child services.
Though he gets into EVERYTHING at the hotel, he is such a looker. He even stopped crying when I picked him up. HA!

Your thoughts on long distance relationships?
I feel that if both people in the relationship have trust within one another, it's possible.

How many kids do you want to have?
I used to want 4. I don't think I want anymore than 2.

Do you have a best friend?
I do.

Have you ever not been able to get someone off of your mind?
I'm definitely going through that at this very moment.

Did you date anyone last summer?
Last summer, Cody. This past summer, was my first summer in like 4 years where I was single.
(and thank god for that!)

Is there a guy/girl that knows everything (or mostly everything) about you?
Ken knows a lot about me. All my girl friends know just about everything about me.

Do you believe what goes around comes around?
Definitely and it's never once failed me.

Is it okay if you kiss people while you're single?
Of course.. and if not, then someone better slap me across my hands with a ruler!

What is wrong with you right now?
I'm currently in my own bubble. I'm slightly tired and have a headache. I'm anxious and I'm nervous.

Do you think you'll be married in 10 years?
It's a possibility.

Do you crack your knuckles?
Not nearly as much as I used too.

Would you go in public looking like you do right now?
I went everywhere today looking the way I do right now.

What was the last thing that happened that made you laugh?
Courtney, Lindsey and I watching the 1998 TRL Finale countdown earlier.

Would you kiss someone to make your bf/gf mad?
No, I am not a tramp.

Can you handle the truth?
I most certainly can.

Are your nails painted?
Pretty hot pink.

Do you believe exes can really ever be "just friends"?
I believe if you really tried, it could happen.. I'm not the greatest of friends with my exes,
but I still talk to all of them except for 1.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months?
I've last in a relationship for about 8 years. 6 months aint shit.

Are you too shy to tell people when you're developing feelings for them?
Sometimes, in this case I am.

Are you enemies with a former friend?
Childish.

Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?

Probably that time in Montreal I turned down a one-way street. Yeah, I think that's it.

Who was the last person you yelled at?
I honestly couldn't tell you. Probably my dogs.

Who was the last person you cried infront of?
My boss... although not much.. I walked away to contain myself.

Who was the last person you told you loved them?
My sister.

Who was the last person you ate with?
Courtney.

When was the last time you felt guilty about something?
Yesterday.

Are you dating the very last person you kissed on the lips?
Negative.

Are you keeping a big secret right now?
I guess you can say that.

If you had a baby with the last person you textd:
That baby would be one gorgeous looking baby. Hands down.

Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest for?
Fuck no.

Do you prefer to take showers in the morning or at night?
Morning, sometimes I do take 2 showers a day though.

Do you hate the last person you kissed?
Oh my god, no.

Do you always answer your phone?
Nah.

If your ex said they hate you, you say?
He does hate me and I laugh.

What would you do if your best friend told you that they were moving?
Ashley already did. She lives in South Carolina. Abbey already did, she lives in Los Angeles.
Nicole moved to Los Angeles a couple years ago but soon later came home. So, I've dealt with it
and currently am dealing with it the only way I know how. Visits, phone conversations and AIM.

Have you ever fallen asleep in someone's arms?
Yes, I find it calming. It's a nice feeling. :)

Are you any good at math?
Meh, I'm not horrible at it.

How did your day go yesterday?
Yesterday I had the shittiest day that I've ever had at work since I've been working at the hotel.

Was your last missed call from a boy or girl?
A girl. - Courtney.

Name something you're doing tomorrow?
Taking Courtney to work and then the doctors. Then going to work.

Do you sleep on your stomach?
Yes, mostly every night. The last 2 nights I've fallen asleep on my back.

Who was the last person that made you cry?
Leah. I feel terrible.

What are your favorite colors?
Pink, Black and Blue.

Anything you want to ask someone?
Sure.

Who was the last person that gave their number to you?
Someone who makes me giddy. :)

When was the last time you cleaned your room?
The day I came home from California.

How many letters are in your name?
7.

What are you excited about?
I'm excited for November 23rd and 24th. :)

Do you drink bottled water?
Yes. It's one of my fav. things to drink.

When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings?
A little while ago.

Have you lost friends in the past year?
I may not speak to a couple as much as I used to (or like) but I haven't completely lost anyone.

Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life?
I don't know if I have made a difference in anyone's life, but I hope that I impacted someone in some way.

Where is your phone?
On my desk, in front of me.

Something you do a lot?
Work. Talk/spend time with my friends. Travel. Go to shows. Listen to music.

Do you go to school currently?
No, but I wish I was.

Who are you expecting a call from?
Nobody.

When will your next kiss take place?
November 23rd. :0)

How are you feeling right now?
Exhausted.

When was the last time you smiled?
Today.

Who was the first person you talked to today?
Courtney. I called her cuz I set my alarm to take her to work this morning.
I set it for 5:30pm when it was supposed to be for 5:30am... sometimes I hate myself.

What did you do Saturday?
Saw a show w/ Alex.

When is the next time you'll hug someone?
Probably Thursday.

Are you afraid of roller coasters?
Fuck no, bring on the thrill!

Has anyone ever crawled through your window?
Haha, I do all the time!

Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with?
No, Abbey is my lifeline.

Have you told anybody you loved them today?
No, I have not.

Anyone on your mind right now?
Of course.

Last person to text?
Vinny.

Last person to sleep in bed with?
Abbey.

Last thing to annoy you?
Time and distance.

Do you like carrot cake?
I most certainly do not.

Do you like anyone right now?
I do.

Do you think you will go out with him/her anytime soon?
As in date? Nope. As in out for food/to a bar? Definitely.

An open letter for my friends.. (taken from my myspace)

2008-11-09T16:44:00.000-05:00

I would just like to acknowledge the fact that I'm sorry for my behavior as of late. It's been brought to my attention that I haven't been myself. I've felt it to an extent, but I'm not sure what is happening. I know now that I have to slow down and take a look at the bigger picture and let reality soak in. I vouched a long time ago that I would never become the person to disregard people's feelings around me and that I would always try to do things to better myself. I believe I have fallen victim of doing just that, however, quite (horribly) unintenionally. I have some dues to pay, I realize that much.

I feel terrible. I don't ever want to be the bad guy. I'm human and I make mistakes. I will continue to work towards being a better daughter, a better sister, a better worker, a BETTER FRIEND and most importantly, just a better person overall. I don't want to be the awful me. I should know better. I've had so many people walk all over me, treat me badly and walk out of my life. It's not in my blood. I was raised better than that. I always told myself I would never, ever be like that.

I know from time to time everybody is guilty with being wrapped in their own head, because I've seen it. I suppose I've been too wrapped up in my own and I haven't taken much else of the real world into consideration-- and I AM beating myself up over it. What the fuck is my deal? That's it, I'm done.

I usually put everyone else's feelings before my own. I'm usually the one everybody can count on, everybody's escape goat and the one you can confide in. I'm the one who will drop everything and be at a troubled one's side in a matter of seconds. I love to help people. I love to listen. I'm stronger than most and people come to me and count on me to be there when shit in their life isn't going so good. I don't want people to think they can no longer do that. But please understand, I too need time to focus on myself for a little while. I too, need someone to fall back on when I get weak. I am not superwoman.

All of this, I this, I that... I, I, I. I'm so sorry for anyone who has thought it's all about me lately. I'm an asshole.

There is aboslutely no reason we should be at each other's throats, ever. There is no reason for us to not be able to talk openly to one another. Sometimes we just need an extra push. But in the end, everything usually works itself out.

To my friends, you all really mean the world to me. You have all been there for me during the most difficult times of my life. I'm truly, sincerely sorry if you think I've been taking you all for granted. I know that I wouldn't have gotten to where I am today without all of your advice, your guidance, your heart and your genorosity. I feel awful that I seemed to have taken advantage of the idea you will always be there. I'm sorry for any shitty thing that I've ever done to any one of you. If you think that I'm being an asshole, please tell me. I never mean to hurt any of your feelings and though along the way, some of you have done things to me to hurt me, I know that there is no excuse for ignorance. I am forever indebted to all of you. Thank you for everything, honestly - because I probably haven't told you that enough or even lately. Thank you for making me aware of what some people have been seeing from me, that I have not. Once again, I owe you.

Love your friend,
Kristie

and the Survey Says!!!!

2008-11-07T01:23:00.000-05:00

Kiss anyone lately?
I sure did.

Whats your current mood?
Exhausted, but in a good mood.

When was the last time you cried?
At LAX... I absolutely did not want to leave.

Are you dating anyone right now?
Nope.

Are you happy right now?
Yes, for the most part. :)

Ever had your heart broken?
Yes.

What was the first thing you did when you woke up this morning?
Got ready for work!

Who was last in the car with you?
Ashley!

Do you like to read?
I do.

Are any of your friends taller than you?
A good majority of them are.

Do you miss anyone?
Like you have no fucking idea!!

Do you get emotional easily?
Meh, I have my days.

Can you sleep without blankets covering you?
In the summer, yes.

Do you still talk to your most recent ex?
HA!!!!!!!!

Ever lost someone important to you?
Yes... never a fun situation.

Markers or crayons or colored pencils?
Crayola!!! haha

Are looks important?
I believe that looks aren't everything, but it surely is a nice perk!

Will you be in a relationship in 1 month?
That would be awesome... but I'm pushing any issues.

Do you hate when people smoke around you?
Kind of. I can be a real brat about it, but I won't crucify anybody for it.

Who was the last person to call YOU?
Courtney.

Does the last person you held hands with mean anything to you?
Slowly starting too.. and I'm not afraid to admit that I'm terrified.

Where are you right now?
In my bedroom, blasting SAOSIN! (yes, at 1:30am)

Have you ever felt replaced?
A couple times, yes.

Do you sleep with the closet doors open or closed?
Open.

Anyone in possession of your clothing right now?
Well, Abbey borrowed my socks for dance class. I never got those back. LMFAO!

Is your best friend a girl or guy?
Best girlfriends: 3
Best guyfriends: 3

Who was the last person to smoke a cigarette in your presence?
Ashley.

What are you excited about?
If I told you, I'd have to kill you.

Would you be able to tell someone you love them, even if you didn't feel it?
Honestly, no.

Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?
ALWAYS.

What were you doing at midnight last night?
I was talking to an extremely cute boy. :)

Do you want to get married & have children some day?
Yes, some day.

Would you date some one 20 years older than you?
never

Would you ever date some one 20 years younger then you?
Fuck that.

Are you waiting for something?
Desperately.

Will you talk to someone on the phone tonight?
Well, if you count texting... I'm currently talking to him. :)

Is there anyone who doesn't like you because of something you didn't do?
Probably. who gives a shit.

Have you hugged anyone in the last 72 hours?
Yes I have.

Who was the last person to walk out of your life and hurt you?
Even though I was the one who walked out, Cody.. because I felt like he walked out of my life before I had even ended things.

Have you ever been searched by the cops?
Not that I can recall. That would make for a hilarious story though.

Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?
Hell nawww.

When's the last time you've been sledding?
It was either the time I was with my aunt and I hit a serious bump in the hill and flew about 25 feet in the air and landed upside down with the sled on my head.... or the time I was with my (other) aunt and we went down the hill together and we hit a bump and flew off the sled and she smacked her face into mine and made my mouth bleed. LOL!

Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
Lately, with someone else.

Do you believe in ghosts?
Meh.

Do you consider yourself creative?
Sometimes.

Have you ever been Ice Skating?
Oh my god, not in so long. Someone please go with me. One of the only things I actually enjoy about winter is ice skating. :(

How often do you remember your dreams?
A good amount of the time.

When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried?
Pretty much every day that I was with Abbey last week.

Do you believe in love at first sight?
At one time I did... but I believe now it's lust at first sight.

What do you wear to bed?
t-shirt or tank top and shorts.

Do you sing in the shower?
Sometimes, lol.

Have you ever been punched in the face?
The bitch tried. she missed. I didn't. :)

How is your heart lately?
Funny question, not.

Is your dad over the age of 40?
Yes.

Do you have siblings over the age of 21?
Yes, 2. Randy - 25 Bryan - 23

Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest for?
Fuck no.

Are you happy with your life?
At this moment, yes.

Will you kiss the person you last kissed again?
I know so. Only a few more weeks. :) :) :)

Uneasy thoughts..

2008-11-07T01:14:00.000-05:00

First, I'm going to re-type my original entry
before firefox decided to dismantle it.
Then, I'm going to post a.. survey? haha

Anywho...

I can't help but replay this past weekends events in my head.
Over and over, and over again.
For once, I am stunned.
Absolutely speechless.

I never knew that side of me even existed.
Who knew that I had it in me?
What the hell happened?
Why you?
Why me?
I'm still trying to understand it.

And the worst part of it all,
I'm not supposed to like a guy like you.

Boys.
Not one... but two? what the fuck. seriously.

(ps, those of my friends who will actually read this, will not understand this entry.
and I will not discuss the details. so let your minds wander. thanks)

California L-O-V-E

2008-11-02T17:09:00.000-05:00

I love it here. I don't ever want to leave this place.
These last few days have been nothing but the best.

ATL/MP day 3 (round 4) this evening.
One last hoorah until Cleveland.
let's do this.

Try to avoid disaster

2008-10-29T01:54:00.000-04:00

tonight was Underoath ♥
it was phenomenal.
after about six years,
and quite possibly 27 shows later,
they are still my favorite live band.
hands down.

what made tonight even more great..
on the way there, while just shootin the shit,
i unexpectedly found out that (he) would also be there.
i was so excited i missed my exit!

and you know what?
i'm still smiling.

ugh, i'm 10 years old again.

busybody.

2008-10-28T01:10:00.000-04:00

packing.

that's what i'm doing and it really shouldn't be this hard.
i promised myself i wouldn't over pack and here i am..
over-packing.
i'll repack tomorrow anyways, so why keep at it?

as if packing isn't stressing me out enough,
while doing so, it leaves an open field
for my mind to wander.

i can't help but feel the way i do..
he doesn't have the slightest clue
we'll see what happens..

but at least i'm realizing one thing.
that it's okay for me to be happy.

at least for this moment,
i have a smile on my face.

I was always loud enough..

2008-10-27T00:21:00.000-04:00

you know, crushes can be cute sometimes,
but i'm not sure what to think of this.
i feel like i'm in first grade.

i haven't known him long,
which is silly, because after talking so much,
it's weird that we haven't met sooner.

but all i know is, i love being around him.
he puts the biggest fucking smile on my face.
please help me, i can't help but get giddy.
no awkward silences... that's a first (okay, maybe a second?) for me.
i feel like i've known him for years.

i feel a good friendship is in the works.

i'm optimistic. :)

I hate waiting.

2008-10-24T00:51:00.000-04:00

And I'm still waiting for a sign-
Or just a win-win situation.
Can I hear it one more time?
Without the sound of devastation setting in.

if looks could really kill..

2008-10-12T20:32:00.000-04:00

i keep typing up this long entry... and deleting it all.
i'm so confused lately. but... the real main reason of this entry was just to simply say.

THIS WEEKEND WAS FUCKING GLORIOUS.

there, that was simple enough.

FUCK.

2008-10-10T05:39:00.001-04:00

Let's say, hypothetically, I've been friends with this boy for a while... years perhaps, haven't seen much of him because of his circumstances... haven't talked to him as much as I'd like because of those circumstances and because I'm shy, but the friendship has always been there. Let's say I've liked him since I met him.... but then your friend meets him (YEARS) later... and decides to start talking to him and likes him too? How fucking RETARDED.

All hypothetically speaking of course.

Well, you said you wanted war..

2008-10-05T21:16:00.000-04:00

This is really hard for me to admit, but I'm going to say it.
Everybody and their fucking mothers are right about me.

I don't have the ability to read well into guys.
I never have. It's just not as easy for me as it is for others.
I have a really hard time opening up. I have trust issues.
but for good reason.
I have horrible anxiety and am easily overwhelmed.
I have my own insecurities... and sometimes;
all I need is that little extra push.. and a little leverage.

This isn't only about guys. That's not what this is entirely about.

I always say that I don't want to depend on others,
but let's face the facts, sometimes I need too.
I only have a few that I can absolutely depend on..
but right now, every single one of them has their own shit to deal with
and I have no one to go to that can even begin to try and help me.

I feel trapped.
Legs buckle, knees hit the ground.
and there I am, watching my world spin in circles;
completely unaware of what's happening around me.

lost.

Le sigh.

2008-09-23T00:32:00.000-04:00

I booked my flight to Los Angeles today. :)
Even though it isn't permanent - yet.
I'm just visiting Abbey and getting a feel for it first.
I'm so excited! Best birthday present ever.

I wish I could read minds.
Lately, I'm so temperamental about everything.
I think my mom can see it, too.
She's been telling me to 'calm down' lately.
I'm just so blah and all over the place.

I don't want to hear about your ex girlfriend.
and I don't want to hear about your fiance.

Hmmfph.

Sometimes.

2008-09-21T19:35:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I like to lie to myself. -- Well, not lie, but pretend like things are okay when they're not.
Okay, nevermind.

Yep.

Sometimes I do this:

2008-09-12T23:08:00.000-04:00

Last thing you and your ex boyfriend/girlfriend talked about?
The last thing he and I talked about? Wow, this would be back in March. He wanted me to take him back. I refused. I knew I needed to get out of our relationship. I haven't talked to him since.

Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced?
I thought about it, but decided not too. I kind of want my monroe done, though.

Interested in anyone at the momet?
For the first time in a long time, I can say yes.

Have you had more than 3 boyfriends/girlfriends at the same time?
Are you kidding? I'm more of a one man kind of girl. - I dated the same one for 8 years for fucks sake!

What will you do this week?
I work tomorrow, sunday, monday, tuesday and wednesday. Wednesday evening I head to Toronto for the night, Thursday I'm going to Syracuse, Friday is party errand day, Saturday is my party and Sunday is recoup day. Monday is the start of another work week.

Are you in a good mood right now?
For the most part.

What's bothering you right now?
The fact that I'm broke and don't know how to say no.

Are you on medication for anyting?
No, but I wish I had some morphine or something for this back pain I'm currently experiencing.

Last female you slept in the same room with?
Leah and I are always traveling. - Pittsburgh, John Mayer.

If you were upset, who's the first girl you would go to?
Abbey, Leah, Kendyl, Nicole. Whoever would answer first..

Do you need to say anything to someone?
I wish I had the balls to say something to someone.

When was the last time someone yelled at you?
Probably a few weeks ago and it was over something completely fucking retarded.

Is it cute when boys kiss on the forehead?
I fucking LOVE it. ;)

What's the biggest age difference between you and someone you've dated?
Uh, 2 years maybe?

Do you think any of your ex-boyfiends/girlriends are attractive?
Well, I dated them for a reason didn't I?

Who woke you up today?
I woke up all by myself.

Current Mood?
A little bit of everything. Tiredness, impatient, pain, etc.

How long was your last phone call?
8m 14s

How many kids do you want to have?
1 or 2 maybe

Do you want to fight someone?
Not really. I haven't fought anyone since 9th grade.

What did you do today?
worked... that's about it.

Who was your last text message from?
Courtney

Has anyone ever told you they love you?
Yes.

Do you get along with your mom?
I'm glad to say my mom is one of my best friends.

Do you believe in true love?
Sometimes.

What made you sad today?
Nothing made me sad.

When was the last time you were disappointed?
Today.

What's something you'd like to have right now?
A nice boy to cuddle with.

How's your hair today?
Straight, as usual.. but flatter that normal which is kind of making me angry.

Do you fall for people easily?
For the most part no, but I think I'm falling for somebody and it kind of scares me.

When's the last time you were surprised?
Honestly? August 23rd.

Does the last person you held hands with, mean anything to you?
The last person I held hands with was Kendyl. lmfao - before that was one of the All Time Low boys... so not really.

Could you go a day without eating?
I went 2 days without eating this week. Damn flu.

Who was the last person in your bedroom?
Jessica.

Are you missing someone?
I'm currently missing a shit load of people.

Why is your myspace song what it is?
Because I was in a silly mood.

Who took your default picture?
I did. It's now officially a year old though. I took it the afternoon of Jack's Mannequin in September of 2007.

What color shirt are you wearing?
Blue.

When was the last time you talked to your number 2?
Via Myspace today.. in person? A couple weeks ago. :(

Do you think you'll be in a relationship 3 months from now?
I'd like to say/wish yes. Unfortunately, that wouldn't be fair to the guy nor myself, when I'm moving to California, supposedly at the end of the year. But we'll see.

Are you typically a jealous person?
Every now and again, but that's only natural. I'm not the jealous girlfriend type at all though.

Do you know anyone that smokes pot?
hahaha, yesss.

Do you still talk to the person you last dated?
Haven't talked to him since March.

Something happen today that made you angry?
Nothing.

What were you doing before this survey?
Trying to put my thoughts into words...

What will you do after the survey?
Probably go to sleep, I have to work in the morning.

First thing you do when you wake up?
Sometimes shower, sometimes just bum around the house.

What's on your bedroom floor right now?
pair of pj shorts, pillow, ab lounge, jack's mannequin hoodie, the book I'm reading, my shoes and a hollister bag.

Do you still talk to the first person you kissed?
Like, first kiss, or first REAL kiss? I haven't talked to the guy I first 'kissed' in a while... although he lives on my street and I haven't talked to the guy I first 'real kissed' in a couple months.

Did you have a dream last night?
Yes, actually.

Where were you at 3:02 AM this morning?
In my bed, reading.

Where is your bf/gf right now?
I don't have a boyfriend.

Do you trust people easily?
Sometimes... but for the most part, my guard is always up.

---------------------

What's a fact about the last person who had their arms around you?
The last person who had their arms around me, as in hug? Kendyl - she's my best friend.

What do you currently hear right now?
I'm currently listening to my boys: There For Tomorrow.

When was the last time you were told you were beautiful?
I hear it all the time from older men, which is fucking terrible.

Could you go a day without eating?
Didn't I answer this in the first survey?

Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with a C?
Bahahaha. Story of my fucking life. - Cody.

Does your guardian force you to go to church or do they let you make the decision?
I've never been... so I guess I made that decision.

Where is the furthest place you've traveled?
I flew to Florida. But the longest place I've driven to was Illinois.

How long does it take you to shower?
to take an actual shower, about 10-15 minutes, but to get ready about 30-45mins.

What was last thing you drank?
Diet Lipton Peach Papaya White Tea.

If you could have anything right now, what would it be?
For next week to get here... and October 29th, CALI-FORN-I-A.

What was for dinner last night?
I don't know, I worked until midnight.

Does anyone love you?
I'm sure my family and friends do.

How has the week been?
Long.. and it's only going to get longer.

Do you curse in front of your parents?
All the time?

What girl can you tell everything too?
Abbey.

Have you ever kissed anyone who's name started with an A?
Yes, there were three. Anthony, Andrew and Adam.

When a friend walks out of your life, do you go after them or let them go?
If I feel it's worth it, go after them. Sometimes I won't care, because I know they'll be back anyways.

Does anyone hate you?
Probably..

What are you doing tonight?
Going to sleep.

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
I believe in giving second chances, given the circumstances.

Have you chewed gum after someone else already has?
Ew. No.

Do you have a crush on somebody?
Maybe. ;)

Have you ever seen your best friend cry?
I've seen all my best friends cry. (except my guy friends, wussies)

Do you walk around naked?
Bahaha. Noooo.

Does the person you like, like you back?
That's a good question. I'm not sure at the moment.

Have you met anyone new this summer?
I made a bunch of new friends while following Warped this summer.

What are you thinking about right now?
Sleep.

Are you a morning or night person?
I'm more of a night person, but not a bad morning person.

Flooding mind.

2008-09-12T16:33:00.000-04:00

Here I go, my mind doing laps again.

One day this won't be as hard.

Don't forget about the blue skies..

2008-09-11T04:32:00.001-04:00

I figured my parents disapproved of me wanting to move to California because my brother basically left his life here and moved to Washington.
Apparentally, I was wrong.

My parents were outside talking, probably thinking it was a better place for them to talk without my sister and I hearing what they were talking about.

My mom was saying something like how she just wants all of us happy. Whether it makes Bryan happy to be in Washington, Lindsey getting her Jetta, Randy doing whatever it is he wants.. and me going to California. I over heard her saying, "I just want the kids to be happy. Especially Kristie. She works so fucking hard. I want her to be in California with her friend and the palm trees."

I had to laugh to myself... the palm trees mom? really? haha. Thanks for respecting my wishes.

I worry, I worry all the time why worry?

2008-09-08T11:19:00.000-04:00

Lately, I've been tired and uninspired.

I've been thinking of ways that I can grow as a person,
and to better the circumstances around me.
I know that only I can make changes to make my life,
that feel worthwhile and rewarding. It's just so hard sometimes.
I try to roll with the punches as best as I can, but seriously;
a person can only tolerate so much.

I'm waiting for something to have a substanial impact on myself,
in hopes that maybe one day I can have an impact on someone else.

Yesterday my mom told me that my dad mentioned to her that I was a good kid.
My mom replied with, "I know," and my dad went on to say,
"No, I mean, she is a good kid. She helps us out a lot."
and my mom goes, "I know."
I feel like sometimes it's not enough... I owe a lot to my parents.

I have a lot to be greatful for...
I have great friends, family, a job and a car.
I get to virtually do whatever I want, whenever I want.

Why do I always feel like there is something missing?
But something just doesn't feel right.

I kind of hit a road block - a wall of some sort.

I feel lost...

I just really need to stop worrying.

Tell me how..

2008-09-07T00:53:00.000-04:00

Day by day I'm learning.

Learning how to keep my head up.
Learning how to have faith in others, as well as in myself.

I'm learning how to become a better person.
I'm learning how to see the better side of things.

I'm learning that sometimes it's okay to be a little selfish.

I'm learning that, a lot of the times, people think the worst of you.
I'm learning that, people have a hard time thinking the best of you.

I'm learning that there is a lot more hostility in the world that is needed.
I'm learning that it's okay to open up your heart, even if it's a little bit or just temporary.

I'm learning how to mend a broken heart, even if it's taken a lot longer than I thought it would.
I'm learning how to let go of the past, even though so much of it, is what actually has kept me together.

I'm learning that I only need a core group of people in my life to keep me afloat.
I'm learning that I have a really hard time letting people in.

I'm learning to adjust to my insecurities... slowly.
I'm learning how to admit when I'm afraid.

I'm learning how to find my place in this ugly world.

I'm learning that it's okay to ask for a little help sometimes.

I'm learning... there's a lot of things that I'm still learning.

Forever.

2008-09-05T16:36:00.001-04:00

I will soon come home with my other arm forever marked.

With thanks to the lyrical inspiration of Bryce Avary.

http://www.friendsorenemies.com/web/foe/users/therocketsummer/

The meaning behind this song has meant so much to me; (the entire record, "Do You Feel," has in all honesty been a huge inspiration.) However, this video, the song and the meaning behind it, is definitely eye opening to me. Bryce is a fucking genius. What a remarkable soul.

2008-09-03T18:49:00.000-04:00

i could really go for a walk through the park, maybe a visit to the zoo to see the monkeys, giraffes and the birds.. and someone to watch a bug's life with. ;)

What we do with our time..

2008-09-03T16:20:00.000-04:00

step, step right over me,
careful now, navigate with ease.
what it is that you want me to see;
is this something that we can appease?

dance to a dream,
where inspiration can flourish.
maybe a friendship, we can redeem,
and each other we will possibly nourish.

i wish i could brush you off as if i don't care,
but, boy you sure do have your charm.
with a half hearted smile and an eager stare,
with a companion; fitting snug inside the nook of your arm.

ironic how you cared so much before,
but i slipped up, made one small mistake.
and though that's more than what you allow for,
just one part of this game that we partake.

conversations kept short and somewhat inapt,
while we both sit here mum and learn how to deal.
i guess we know our integrity is intact,
although, we'll never know, just how we both feel.

You dismantle me.

2008-08-31T14:43:00.000-04:00

I feel like today, might be a good day.

I feel somewhat better. :0)

"It felt so good to roll the windows down,
drive alone until we find ourselves
and we'll go back to the life we wanna lead,
then we'll go back to the way things used to be."
- "The Good Life" - Valencia

Swallowed in the sound.

2008-08-30T00:22:00.001-04:00

If you only knew... I wish you could read my mind.. will you let me in yours?

living for someone else isn’t living at all.

Too much to think about..

2008-08-29T11:45:00.000-04:00

I can't even think straight and it's driving me nuts.

I feel helpless!!

"There's a lot that I don't know, there's a lot that I'm still learning;
But I think I'm letting go, to find my body is still burning;
And you hold me down, and you got me living in the past;
Come on and pick me up, somebody clear the wreckage from the blast."

We felt alive...

2008-08-28T22:48:00.001-04:00

I think I'm going to give up and stop trying... maybe it'll be easier. I'm not a weak person... but every day I seem to feel a little bit weaker. Someone inspire me, I need someone to fall back on, just as much as the next person does. :(

friendships come and go.. but i feel it might be a while before this will ever get fixed... and that is not my fault.

p.s. sometimes i don't know how to express myself... and i might be a little afraid.

I can't get a break..

2008-08-14T19:50:00.000-04:00

It seems like lately these days, I'm the bad guy. I'm always the one to blame. I try to keep everybody happy, but I can't do anything right. I can't help but feel it's never going to be the same. There are some things that I'm able to accept blame for and I'm able to admit when I'm wrong, but I will not be called a liar, when I know that I'm not lying or in the wrong. I normally, don't ever make promises I know I won't be able to keep. I don't make plans if I know that in the end I'll have to break them, because I know how it feels to be promised something and then be let down when it comes time to doing said something. I learned that at a very young age. I don't fuck people over, just to do it or because I think I'm more important than anybody else. I'm sick and tired of everybody walking all over me and me not saying a fucking word about it. All my life I have been taking orders from everybody else, because I thought it was okay and I always put everybody else before my own self because I care too much about everybody else and their feelings more so than my own. I don't think I'm better than anybody else and I never ever, once stated that the world revolves around me, but seriously, when do I get my break? I honestly, cannot recall a time where I have ever felt so damn low in my life. I'm trying to be the best person I can be. I'm doing the only thing I know how and that's living. Everybody has their imperfections, don't get me wrong. But being an untrue, dishonest and disloyal person is definitely not one of mine. I don't ever try to cause problems. I'm not the drama starter, usually I'm the resolver. I'm the go-to and the person in-between. I never ever intend to hurt any of my friends or family, or anybody around me.. I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I'm definitely not cold hearted. I just wish that sometimes, when confrontation is needed it can be resolved in a civil and human like manner. I don't understand how "friends" can treat one another so poorly sometimes. I don't understand why people think it's okay to treat people the way they do sometimes. I'll admit, I've had my moments of hostility. But, I've been trying to change that and I know when people deserve it and when they don't. But what's been coming my way lately, especially this week, today and the last couple of days, I think I definitely deserved to be treated with a little more respect than what I have been getting. I absolutely, cannot wait to move to Los Angeles and get out of this hell hole. I'll probably miss a select few.... and with that, I'll be making some changes. It's not going to be easy for me but I know what I have to do in order to make some dreams of mine, a reality. - Finally... the count down to December begins.

Moving forward.

2008-08-10T13:23:00.001-04:00

Over the last couple of days, I've never had such a clearer picture.

People that I'm surrounded by in this city (other than those of my family and closest friends) are now my sworn enemies. I really want nothing to do with anybody in this fucking city called "Buffalo" any longer.

I'm enrolling into West Lost Angeles Community College and moving in December. I've never been more excited, nervous, scared, anxious or ready for anything in my life.

I'm looking forward to moving on, growing up, meeting new faces, experiencing new cultures, surrounding myself with a totally different atmoshphere, GETTING TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL, etc. I just need a change and I need it more than anything I've ever needed before.

Abbey is leaving for LA in like two weeks and I'm glad that I'll have someone out there to keep me grounded. I wish all my friends were going... that's the only thing I may not be able to handle.. is being away from my friends and family. I love you all. It's nothing personal. This is me time and I feel that if you love me and understand me, you'll completely let me face and experience this all on my own terms. Have a little faith, I am. I know I'm strong willed and completely independant... I'm not saying this is going to be easy, I know it's not. But I'm giving myself the benefit of the doubt and you all should too. If I end up coming home, I'm counting on my support system to be there in the end. I don't want to come back here, to tell you the truth.

Anywho, this was just a rambling small write in.

Let it all go.

2008-06-24T11:49:00.001-04:00

I guess you can say, from here on out I'm looking forward to the future and leaving everything that has happened to me in the last 6 months behind for good. I think it's time... and although I'm still fighting the good fight, I will continue to do so, even if it kills me. I wish I could say that I'm able to let go of the memories and COMPLETELY pretend like nothing ever existed, but quite frankly that would be silly. I still think of you... sometimes it still hurts... I will get through this. I'm holding my head forever high and will accomplish everything that I've wanted to do for the past few years. I will succeed.

This accident bull shit is finally subsiding. My lost wages claim representative finally called me today. I've been leaving him nasty messages since the first letter I got in the mail from him, which was in April. My money is on the fact that I called my insurance agent and told him what was going on and he took matters into his own hand, because my mom and I threatened to leave Allstate, considering this accident happened on March 1st. He told me to disregard any notices I've been getting from him and that all he needed was to verify the dates I was out of work because apparently, my higher boss at my old job filled out the paperwork and put that I RESIGNED WILLINGLY on April 23rd. I'm like NO NO NO. I resigned because I had no other choice. I went back to work on April 23rd to find out that my position had been filled and that should I have decided to stay with the company, I'd be getting about 10 hours a week instead of my usual 40 hours a week. The representative then asked me if I found a new job and then told me that he'd be sending me a check that covers my lost wages from March 3rd - June 3rd. Originally, I was getting a check that covered March 3 - April 23, which came out to about $1,900. Now, I'm getting about $4,000-$4,200. :) So, all the nasty messages and complaints payed off.

I got the settlement for the damages to my car and bodily injury from the other guys insurance company two weeks ago. I wouldn't have gotten a dime if I didn't threaten to sue his insurance company. They sent me a check a week later and with that, I immediately went to a dealership and bought a car. :) I bring it home tomorrow. Yippie!

So now I have a car, and enough money to do my two weeks of Warped and still have money to spare. :)

This is the start of my future.

Next up: Enrolling into school. :)

Things are changing, for the better.

2008-06-05T21:03:00.000-04:00

This week has probably been one of the most accomplishing weeks that I've had in quite a long time.

1) I spoke to my insurance representative who is handling the no fault / medical part of the claim from the accident. I was sick of waiting for someone to contact me regarding when I'd be receiving a check (they owe me approximately $2,000 from me being out of work for so long.) She told me that it looked as if they had everything they needed to go ahead and process everything to get me my lost wages. She said that there was another guy, handling that part of the claim and that she'd talk to him to see what was going on. She put me on hold for a moment and said that he indeed had everything he needed to process it and to call him at the end of the week to see where it sits. For the first time, she asked me how I was doing since the accident happened. I told her I was still struggling because I lost my job and have been without a dime since the accident. She told me to explain that to Alex (the other guy working on the claim) and that he might be able to speed the process up a little bit. --- All I have to say is THANK FUCKING GOD. I need this.

2) I got hired at the Clarion Hotel. I started yesterday and got to learn some of the basics, although they are very VERY short handed and everything was happening so fast that it was enough to make my head spin. The good part is that I finally have a job and can finally support myself once again and not have to deal with my parents supporting me. (IE: paying my cell phone bill, paying my credit cards bills (3 of them!), putting gas in the car, buying me things I need/want, etc.) I suppose I should say I no longer have to borrow money off my friends, because a couple of them have been beyond amazing with borrowing me money.

3) Yesterday I woke up to a voicemail from the other guy's insurance claim representative. He explained to me that he received the information I'd sent him in the mail last week and that although I payed $2,500 for my car, I wouldn't get nearly as much as I'd paid for it because I had purchased it over a year and a half ago and that his clients were not accepting liability on it, mainly because our statements were conflicting and we were pointing the blame at each other. (You old fucks KNOW it was your fault!) Anyhow, they settled to offer me $2,500 for my bodily injuries issue and loss of the car. It's not nearly what I could be getting... but I'm seriously over all this accident bullshit. It's enough to put down as a down payment on a car. I should have that $2,500 in about 2 weeks.

Along with all of this, I told my managers I needed two weeks off in July because of the two week Warped Tour gig I'd be doing. They were perfectly fine with it. So, what's up new job. What's up $4,500. What's up new car... and WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WARPED TOUR! I haven't been this happy in a long time.

Then, it hit: Cody and that girl are officially together. This had been the only downfall of my week... It's not supposed to bother me... and I'm trying REALLY hard not to let it bother me.. it's just really fucking mind boggling. I didn't expect him to move on so quickly. Three months might seem like a long time to some people, but it is definitely not a long time in my mind. I'll be okay... I just need to deal with this the best way that I can/know how.

Anyways, I couldn't thank my family and friends enough for sticking by me during all of this. It's been so frustrating... through all the complaining, stress and tears... I'm really happy that you all were there for me. It means a lot more than I can put into words.

Something that hits home..

2008-05-21T23:10:00.000-04:00

Insecurity, doubt, shame, failure and lack of self worth. --- This is how I've been feeling.

Now, I'm not one to dwell on things, but in my current situation it's really hard not too. I'm literally, stuck. At a HUGE halt. A barrier if you will, has been placed in my path and I cannot jump or leap over this as easy as I'd been able too months ago.

Ever since my accident this past March, my life has been in shambles. As if dealing with me breaking up with the guy who I thought I was going to be spending the rest of my life with wasn't stressful enough on me, god.. or whomever (the devil) had to go and throw in a horrible car accident, resulting in me no longer having a vehicle to get me from point a to point b or c and being disabled for a period of time long enough for me to loose my job also had to be thrown in the mix.

It probably hasn't been noticeable over these last few months that I've basically let myself hit rock bottom. I've been acting like I'm okay; that everything is swell and nothing is wrong. The truth is, everything is wrong.

I guess you can say that I'm sort of a control freak. I have no control over anything anymore and it's making me crazy. I hate not being able to control what happens in my life. My life is in shambles and I cannot do anything about it at this point. I've been applying for jobs like crazy and I have yet to hear back from anything. I want to go back to school SO bad... but I can't do that without money, because a) I already need to take a car loan out now... and that's not happening until I get a job and b) I won't have money until I find a new job... but won't be able to move away (I'm thinking of attending school in Cleveland if not, ECC..) until I pay off my debts. (Parents, credit cards... ohhhh credit cards. *sigh*)

I'm starting to think that my chances of doing this promoting for Adeline Records for about 2 weeks on Warped Tour might fall through. I can't do it if I don't have a car or money. I'm trying to stay optimistic... but I'm getting ready for the let down.

I'd also just like to say that I don't care about Cody but the truth is, I do. I probably always will; as I'd like to say he feels the same about me, whether or not he is currently shunning me completely out of his life. He's got himself a new lady friend that he's interested in and I'm not supposed to care. I'm supposed to be happy for him because I'm the one who made the decision to end things between us, because I wasn't liking the way things were going and I was tired of crying and being the only one to try and resolve things with us. I'm not jealous. It's just really hard to get over someone when you spent so much time with someone and gave so much of yourself to a person. I just have to keep remembering that sometimes, he cared more about himself and his happiness, more so than my own. I'm glad he's ready to date again. (Sarcasm, thank you very much) I don't know when I'll be able to jump in again. He really fucked me up. I'm emotionally drained and my heart seems pretty hollow. However, hopefully he takes what he's learned from me and this whole fucking mess and treats this new girl he likes with more respect and worthiness. I'd hate for it to be perfect in the beginning and have him fall short in the end. I hope he at least manned up a bit... in the meantime, my guard is still all the way up.

These last few days have been some of the hardest for me, physically and emotionally. I'm like a tea kettle, ready to go off at any second. I broke down a few times here and there over the last couple months, but this past month has been ridiculous. I've been literally crying to my mom almost every day and spilling to her that I can't deal with anything on my own anymore. Literally. I even broke down in the middle of the mall today. I'm not one to cause a scene. I hate crying in public. I feel like a 2 year old who hasn't gotten their way with something. I just can't deal with having no car. I can't deal with having no job. I can't deal with having no money to do anything anymore. It's just getting absolutely ridiculous not knowing when I'll be able to drive a car off a dealership lot or get my $2,000 from NYS due to lost wages and $2,500 (if i even get that much) for my car from the other asshole's insurance. It's a fucking waiting game and I'm tired of it.

I'm just so tired... :(

I just have to keep thinking to myself things will get better... things will get better. ---Will things ever get better?...

"I'm lost at sea, the radio is jamming, but they won't find me
I swear it's for the best, and then your frequency is pulling me in closer till I'm home
and I've been up for days, I finally lost my mind,
and then I lost my way, I'm blistered but I'm better
and I'm home.

I will crawl, there's things that are worth giving up, I know, but I won't let this get me,
I will fight, you live the life you're given with the storms outside,
some days all I do is watch the sky..."

A lyric that couldn't be anymore accurate..

2008-05-21T03:04:00.000-04:00

"This plane is all I've got, so keep it steady now. Cause every itch you see is... bruised."
[I'm now forever stuck with one of the greatest inspirations]

Photo blog 2

2008-05-07T16:30:00.001-04:00

These are some of my favorite pictures from Bamboozle (Saturday 5/3 Only):

Subject: Anthony Green of Circa Survive; Hudini!

Subject: Alex Gaskarth of All Time Low

Subject: Alex Gaskarth of All Time Low; mid laugh while my hair was blowing all over the place.

Subject: Jack Barakat of All Time Low

Subject: Bret Michaels of Poison; Better known from Rock Of Love ;)

Subject: Kenny Vasoli of The Starting Line; getting some air

Subject: Dan Simons of Just Surrender

Subject: Jason Maffucci of Just Surrender; throwing up his lungs.

This party is going south..

2008-05-07T15:29:00.000-04:00

Procrastinate: (v) - To put off doing something, especially out of habitual carelessness or laziness.

I've found myself to be so full of procrastination lately, it's fucking ridiculous. I've never felt myself at such a high point of laziness, as I feel right now. I'm behind in a TON of my website content and took a shower about 4 hours ago and am still not dressed or ready to go anywhere and I have orientation for my new job in 2 hours or so.

Ever since the accident I feel like I've lost half of my brain and have developed a slight case of amnesia. I've been forgetting things left and right, which would be normal for someone if it was just here and there, but lately this is my story all the time. It's things of necessity. Like, going to Albany and having to turn around to grab my wallet or worse, going to Bamboozle and realizing half way there I forgot my tickets at home, which I made a big deal over for no reason. (Nicole left later than we did and brought them to me)

Not only did I not even pay for my tickets to begin with, but Saturday, The Rocket Summer left two tickets for me and Jack's Mannequin left me 1 (and I had no idea either left me tickets! I didn't ask them too!). So, I had 3 tickets besides mine, that I sold to people at the ticket sales line and ended up making $130. Sunday, Steve (TSL TM) and The Starting Line pulled through for me and gave me a main stage and media pass, that I ended up being able to walk right in with and passed my ticket to Jill so she made it in.

This weekend was slightly messy, but over all still a good time. I'm glad I was there with all my best friends. I'm grateful we all made it there.

We left Friday for the Glamour Kills Pre-Bamboozle Bash in Poughkeepsie. DangerRadio left me an all access pass which was awesome. I still didn't know how I was going to get Jill in and I was thinking of ways and thank god I ran into Chandler. We explained we had run out of ideas to get her in and the GENIUS that Chandler is, took my pass outside to Jill and she got in that way. I was stoked on life that he thought of that. I caught most of the show; DangerRadio, Every Avenue, My American Heart, Mayday Parade, We The Kings, The Audition and Just Surrender. I loved all of it. The highlight of my night however, was conquering something I never knew I had the wits to do. I bought this really cute guy, DS, a drink. Holy hell. My heart wasn't racing nearly as bad as it was in Erie when I talked to him but jesus christ, I was so proud of myself. He kept thanking me and telling me it wasn't necessary but I told him to stop thanking me and to enjoy his alcoholic beverage. I later got serenaded. Abbey and I danced our asses off to We The Kings and owned the floor. It was a wonderful evening.

Besides my pass ordeal on Saturday (The Rocket Summer BEST be on the main stage next year so I can actually HAVE my fucking pass, thank you very much), I enjoyed myself and made the most of my day, despite the SHITTY ass weather. Leah, Abbey and I were watching Red Jumpsuit Apparatus and got sick of the people slamming into us every five seconds so we decided to roam for a while. We were walking around while there was this HUGE ass line at a booth, I assumed it was for some meet and greet and didn't think much of it until I looked to see what time it was and then noticed a sign that said "Jack's Mannequin signing @ 3:00!" I literally almost peed myself. I ran over to the front of the line and stood off to the side and tried to look for Andrew. These girls who worked @ the booth didn't want me standing there and these other girls in line looked at me and proceeded to tell me they were waiting in line for about 2 hours and that they weren't going to let me cut them and to go to the back of the line. I looked at the one girl and was like, "Honey, please. This will only take 2 seconds." All Andrew needed to hear from me was a "Psssst. Andrew!" and he literally dropped everything he was doing and took my hand and pulled me to him and gave me the biggest hug, EVER. The bamboozle crew still tried yanking me away, in which Andrew told them to leg go of me and that it was okay because I was a personal friend of his. TAKE THAT ASSHOLES! I let Andrew go about his business and went and talked to Casper. Oh, those boys made my fucking day. I missed them so much and it's only been a couple months! Now I have to wait again 'til July. BUMMER. I caught Jack's Mannequin, Paramore, Mae, The Audition, The Rocket Summer and some of Jimmy Eat World. Leah and I wanted to be 12 years old again and played in the Jack's Mannequin crowd. Bad idea. Most cattiest bitches EVER. We were getting beat the eff up and pushed around. We left because we couldn't take it anymore. I was stoked to hear Andrew pull out a SoCo song, cuz he hadn't done that in a while. <3 Me and The Moon <3. It was a good evening. We went back to the hotel for a while before heading to a party which later caused a stink but it was still a good time nonetheless.

Sunday however, was splendid. I don't have many great stories because I was on photo duty almost the entire day. I owe my life to Steve. He along with the TSL boys have been so good to me over the last 6 years. I got my pass with NO trouble and went about my day. I took pictures and caught All Time Low, The Academy Is, My American Heart, Circa Survive, Forever The Sickest Kids, The Starting Line, Mayday Parade, Bret Michaels, The Receiving End of Sirens, a little of Motion City Soundtrack, Just Surrender, some of Gym Class Heroes and called it a night. Caught up with the Kiros boys throughout the day, rode the Himalaya with Ryan and the girls while thrashing out to Every Time I Die. Everyone should ride the Himalaya to ETID. It's the best combination ever. Besides getting kicked in the neck by Anthony Green because of him diving into the crowd during Circa's set and Alex Gaskarth from All Time Low laughing on stage at me because my hair was flying in all directions while I was standing in front of 3 giant fans while taking pictures of them, I don't have much else to say except that Bret Michaels waved to me while taking pictures because he thought, while I was raising my camera in the air to get a good picture of him, that I was trying to be a crazed fan. RIGHT. After the show, we went back to the hotel and retired early to prep for the long ride home to Buffalo...

and a long one it was. 6 hours turned into 9, because of gas, food and piss stops and hitting 3 horrible car accidents causing 3o min to an hour long wait in traffic. We've all decided we're going to be a boyband. I'll post a video soon, you'll understand why.

Nicole and I were panic-ing at the disco on a phantom planet to a motion city soundtrack while trying to keep our sound hushed yesterday. We had a blast. After the show, Panic specifically requested our presence in their dressing room because their videographer and TM told them Nicole had some pretty obscene tattoos. It was quite comical... and an awkward meeting all at once.

Photo post 1.

2008-03-19T18:47:00.000-04:00

Subject: Lindsey (my sister) stageside for Saosin.
I really love the yellow glow-like ora this picture gives.

Subject: Lindsey during Jack's Mannequin - 2.08.08
I captured this picture by mistake.

Subject: Times Square at NYC - 2.29.08

Subject: MTV Studios in Times Square at NYC - 2.29.08

Subject: Lindsey in Times Square at NYC - 02.29.08

Subject: Alex Varkatzas of Atreyu
Taste of Chaos - Rochester, NY - 3.10.08

Subject: Johnny Christ of Avenged Sevenfold
Taste Of Chaos - Rochester, NY - 3.10.08

Subjects: Zacky Vengeance and Johnny Christ of Avenged Sevenfold
Taste Of Chaos - Rochester, NY - 3.10.08

Untitled

2008-03-19T15:10:00.000-04:00

Fussy.

That is the word the can best describe myself this afternoon. I'm uncontroably irritable and I don't know what to do with myself.

Ever since I got into this car accident (in New York City, 3/1/08) I've been having a rough time dealing with the fact that I can't do things when I want. I'm a traveler, I love traveling and everything that comes along with it. (Except for car accidents, of course) I love being exposed to other cities and getting to take in the cultures that these various cities have to offer. I'd travel everyday if I could... one day, I'm going to own my own bus and whenever I want to go somewhere new, I'll have the means and motivation at my fingertips.

Going along with that... and I suppose this might sound childish, but I really want to go to Pittsburgh tonight for The Starting Line's last hoorah. The guys were nice enough to throw me on the list last minute and I won't even be making it out. I'm incredibly bummed. I told myself that if I didn't make it out that I wouldn't care so much, because I can just catch them at Bamboozle in a couple months. The truth is, there is nothing like a Starting Line headlining show and at Bamboozle they probably won't get anything more than a half hour or so set.

Maybe I just need to get out of this house. I just sit around day in and day out, doing the same nonsense I've been doing for three weeks. But, I've been out of work for 3 weeks and there is no date set in stone when I'll be returning. Despite the fact that I've gotten out to a couple shows and have seen some friends over the last few weeks, I have a slight case of cabin fever. It doesn't help that it's still cold, rainy and yucky outside.

I just want out...

and judging by the view from my bedroom window, people tend to wonder why.