Something that hits home..

Insecurity, doubt, shame, failure and lack of self worth. --- This is how I've been feeling.

Now, I'm not one to dwell on things, but in my current situation it's really hard not too. I'm literally, stuck. At a HUGE halt. A barrier if you will, has been placed in my path and I cannot jump or leap over this as easy as I'd been able too months ago.

Ever since my accident this past March, my life has been in shambles. As if dealing with me breaking up with the guy who I thought I was going to be spending the rest of my life with wasn't stressful enough on me, god.. or whomever (the devil) had to go and throw in a horrible car accident, resulting in me no longer having a vehicle to get me from point a to point b or c and being disabled for a period of time long enough for me to loose my job also had to be thrown in the mix.

It probably hasn't been noticeable over these last few months that I've basically let myself hit rock bottom. I've been acting like I'm okay; that everything is swell and nothing is wrong. The truth is, everything is wrong.

I guess you can say that I'm sort of a control freak. I have no control over anything anymore and it's making me crazy. I hate not being able to control what happens in my life. My life is in shambles and I cannot do anything about it at this point. I've been applying for jobs like crazy and I have yet to hear back from anything. I want to go back to school SO bad... but I can't do that without money, because a) I already need to take a car loan out now... and that's not happening until I get a job and b) I won't have money until I find a new job... but won't be able to move away (I'm thinking of attending school in Cleveland if not, ECC..) until I pay off my debts. (Parents, credit cards... ohhhh credit cards. *sigh*)

I'm starting to think that my chances of doing this promoting for Adeline Records for about 2 weeks on Warped Tour might fall through. I can't do it if I don't have a car or money. I'm trying to stay optimistic... but I'm getting ready for the let down.

I'd also just like to say that I don't care about Cody but the truth is, I do. I probably always will; as I'd like to say he feels the same about me, whether or not he is currently shunning me completely out of his life. He's got himself a new lady friend that he's interested in and I'm not supposed to care. I'm supposed to be happy for him because I'm the one who made the decision to end things between us, because I wasn't liking the way things were going and I was tired of crying and being the only one to try and resolve things with us. I'm not jealous. It's just really hard to get over someone when you spent so much time with someone and gave so much of yourself to a person. I just have to keep remembering that sometimes, he cared more about himself and his happiness, more so than my own. I'm glad he's ready to date again. (Sarcasm, thank you very much) I don't know when I'll be able to jump in again. He really fucked me up. I'm emotionally drained and my heart seems pretty hollow. However, hopefully he takes what he's learned from me and this whole fucking mess and treats this new girl he likes with more respect and worthiness. I'd hate for it to be perfect in the beginning and have him fall short in the end. I hope he at least manned up a bit... in the meantime, my guard is still all the way up.

These last few days have been some of the hardest for me, physically and emotionally. I'm like a tea kettle, ready to go off at any second. I broke down a few times here and there over the last couple months, but this past month has been ridiculous. I've been literally crying to my mom almost every day and spilling to her that I can't deal with anything on my own anymore. Literally. I even broke down in the middle of the mall today. I'm not one to cause a scene. I hate crying in public. I feel like a 2 year old who hasn't gotten their way with something. I just can't deal with having no car. I can't deal with having no job. I can't deal with having no money to do anything anymore. It's just getting absolutely ridiculous not knowing when I'll be able to drive a car off a dealership lot or get my $2,000 from NYS due to lost wages and $2,500 (if i even get that much) for my car from the other asshole's insurance. It's a fucking waiting game and I'm tired of it.

I'm just so tired... :(

I just have to keep thinking to myself things will get better... things will get better. ---Will things ever get better?...

"I'm lost at sea, the radio is jamming, but they won't find me
I swear it's for the best, and then your frequency is pulling me in closer till I'm home
and I've been up for days, I finally lost my mind,
and then I lost my way, I'm blistered but I'm better
and I'm home.

I will crawl, there's things that are worth giving up, I know, but I won't let this get me,
I will fight, you live the life you're given with the storms outside,
some days all I do is watch the sky..."

A lyric that couldn't be anymore accurate..

"This plane is all I've got, so keep it steady now. Cause every itch you see is... bruised."
[I'm now forever stuck with one of the greatest inspirations]

Photo blog 2

These are some of my favorite pictures from Bamboozle (Saturday 5/3 Only):

Subject: Anthony Green of Circa Survive; Hudini!

Subject: Alex Gaskarth of All Time Low

Subject: Alex Gaskarth of All Time Low; mid laugh while my hair was blowing all over the place.

Subject: Jack Barakat of All Time Low

Subject: Bret Michaels of Poison; Better known from Rock Of Love ;)

Subject: Kenny Vasoli of The Starting Line; getting some air

Subject: Dan Simons of Just Surrender

Subject: Jason Maffucci of Just Surrender; throwing up his lungs.

This party is going south..

Procrastinate: (v) - To put off doing something, especially out of habitual carelessness or laziness.

I've found myself to be so full of procrastination lately, it's fucking ridiculous. I've never felt myself at such a high point of laziness, as I feel right now. I'm behind in a TON of my website content and took a shower about 4 hours ago and am still not dressed or ready to go anywhere and I have orientation for my new job in 2 hours or so.

Ever since the accident I feel like I've lost half of my brain and have developed a slight case of amnesia. I've been forgetting things left and right, which would be normal for someone if it was just here and there, but lately this is my story all the time. It's things of necessity. Like, going to Albany and having to turn around to grab my wallet or worse, going to Bamboozle and realizing half way there I forgot my tickets at home, which I made a big deal over for no reason. (Nicole left later than we did and brought them to me)

Not only did I not even pay for my tickets to begin with, but Saturday, The Rocket Summer left two tickets for me and Jack's Mannequin left me 1 (and I had no idea either left me tickets! I didn't ask them too!). So, I had 3 tickets besides mine, that I sold to people at the ticket sales line and ended up making $130. Sunday, Steve (TSL TM) and The Starting Line pulled through for me and gave me a main stage and media pass, that I ended up being able to walk right in with and passed my ticket to Jill so she made it in.

This weekend was slightly messy, but over all still a good time. I'm glad I was there with all my best friends. I'm grateful we all made it there.

We left Friday for the Glamour Kills Pre-Bamboozle Bash in Poughkeepsie. DangerRadio left me an all access pass which was awesome. I still didn't know how I was going to get Jill in and I was thinking of ways and thank god I ran into Chandler. We explained we had run out of ideas to get her in and the GENIUS that Chandler is, took my pass outside to Jill and she got in that way. I was stoked on life that he thought of that. I caught most of the show; DangerRadio, Every Avenue, My American Heart, Mayday Parade, We The Kings, The Audition and Just Surrender. I loved all of it. The highlight of my night however, was conquering something I never knew I had the wits to do. I bought this really cute guy, DS, a drink. Holy hell. My heart wasn't racing nearly as bad as it was in Erie when I talked to him but jesus christ, I was so proud of myself. He kept thanking me and telling me it wasn't necessary but I told him to stop thanking me and to enjoy his alcoholic beverage. I later got serenaded. Abbey and I danced our asses off to We The Kings and owned the floor. It was a wonderful evening.

Besides my pass ordeal on Saturday (The Rocket Summer BEST be on the main stage next year so I can actually HAVE my fucking pass, thank you very much), I enjoyed myself and made the most of my day, despite the SHITTY ass weather. Leah, Abbey and I were watching Red Jumpsuit Apparatus and got sick of the people slamming into us every five seconds so we decided to roam for a while. We were walking around while there was this HUGE ass line at a booth, I assumed it was for some meet and greet and didn't think much of it until I looked to see what time it was and then noticed a sign that said "Jack's Mannequin signing @ 3:00!" I literally almost peed myself. I ran over to the front of the line and stood off to the side and tried to look for Andrew. These girls who worked @ the booth didn't want me standing there and these other girls in line looked at me and proceeded to tell me they were waiting in line for about 2 hours and that they weren't going to let me cut them and to go to the back of the line. I looked at the one girl and was like, "Honey, please. This will only take 2 seconds." All Andrew needed to hear from me was a "Psssst. Andrew!" and he literally dropped everything he was doing and took my hand and pulled me to him and gave me the biggest hug, EVER. The bamboozle crew still tried yanking me away, in which Andrew told them to leg go of me and that it was okay because I was a personal friend of his. TAKE THAT ASSHOLES! I let Andrew go about his business and went and talked to Casper. Oh, those boys made my fucking day. I missed them so much and it's only been a couple months! Now I have to wait again 'til July. BUMMER. I caught Jack's Mannequin, Paramore, Mae, The Audition, The Rocket Summer and some of Jimmy Eat World. Leah and I wanted to be 12 years old again and played in the Jack's Mannequin crowd. Bad idea. Most cattiest bitches EVER. We were getting beat the eff up and pushed around. We left because we couldn't take it anymore. I was stoked to hear Andrew pull out a SoCo song, cuz he hadn't done that in a while. <3 Me and The Moon <3. It was a good evening. We went back to the hotel for a while before heading to a party which later caused a stink but it was still a good time nonetheless.

Sunday however, was splendid. I don't have many great stories because I was on photo duty almost the entire day. I owe my life to Steve. He along with the TSL boys have been so good to me over the last 6 years. I got my pass with NO trouble and went about my day. I took pictures and caught All Time Low, The Academy Is, My American Heart, Circa Survive, Forever The Sickest Kids, The Starting Line, Mayday Parade, Bret Michaels, The Receiving End of Sirens, a little of Motion City Soundtrack, Just Surrender, some of Gym Class Heroes and called it a night. Caught up with the Kiros boys throughout the day, rode the Himalaya with Ryan and the girls while thrashing out to Every Time I Die. Everyone should ride the Himalaya to ETID. It's the best combination ever. Besides getting kicked in the neck by Anthony Green because of him diving into the crowd during Circa's set and Alex Gaskarth from All Time Low laughing on stage at me because my hair was flying in all directions while I was standing in front of 3 giant fans while taking pictures of them, I don't have much else to say except that Bret Michaels waved to me while taking pictures because he thought, while I was raising my camera in the air to get a good picture of him, that I was trying to be a crazed fan. RIGHT. After the show, we went back to the hotel and retired early to prep for the long ride home to Buffalo...

and a long one it was. 6 hours turned into 9, because of gas, food and piss stops and hitting 3 horrible car accidents causing 3o min to an hour long wait in traffic. We've all decided we're going to be a boyband. I'll post a video soon, you'll understand why.

Nicole and I were panic-ing at the disco on a phantom planet to a motion city soundtrack while trying to keep our sound hushed yesterday. We had a blast. After the show, Panic specifically requested our presence in their dressing room because their videographer and TM told them Nicole had some pretty obscene tattoos. It was quite comical... and an awkward meeting all at once.