Something that hits home..

Insecurity, doubt, shame, failure and lack of self worth. --- This is how I've been feeling.

Now, I'm not one to dwell on things, but in my current situation it's really hard not too. I'm literally, stuck. At a HUGE halt. A barrier if you will, has been placed in my path and I cannot jump or leap over this as easy as I'd been able too months ago.

Ever since my accident this past March, my life has been in shambles. As if dealing with me breaking up with the guy who I thought I was going to be spending the rest of my life with wasn't stressful enough on me, god.. or whomever (the devil) had to go and throw in a horrible car accident, resulting in me no longer having a vehicle to get me from point a to point b or c and being disabled for a period of time long enough for me to loose my job also had to be thrown in the mix.

It probably hasn't been noticeable over these last few months that I've basically let myself hit rock bottom. I've been acting like I'm okay; that everything is swell and nothing is wrong. The truth is, everything is wrong.

I guess you can say that I'm sort of a control freak. I have no control over anything anymore and it's making me crazy. I hate not being able to control what happens in my life. My life is in shambles and I cannot do anything about it at this point. I've been applying for jobs like crazy and I have yet to hear back from anything. I want to go back to school SO bad... but I can't do that without money, because a) I already need to take a car loan out now... and that's not happening until I get a job and b) I won't have money until I find a new job... but won't be able to move away (I'm thinking of attending school in Cleveland if not, ECC..) until I pay off my debts. (Parents, credit cards... ohhhh credit cards. *sigh*)

I'm starting to think that my chances of doing this promoting for Adeline Records for about 2 weeks on Warped Tour might fall through. I can't do it if I don't have a car or money. I'm trying to stay optimistic... but I'm getting ready for the let down.

I'd also just like to say that I don't care about Cody but the truth is, I do. I probably always will; as I'd like to say he feels the same about me, whether or not he is currently shunning me completely out of his life. He's got himself a new lady friend that he's interested in and I'm not supposed to care. I'm supposed to be happy for him because I'm the one who made the decision to end things between us, because I wasn't liking the way things were going and I was tired of crying and being the only one to try and resolve things with us. I'm not jealous. It's just really hard to get over someone when you spent so much time with someone and gave so much of yourself to a person. I just have to keep remembering that sometimes, he cared more about himself and his happiness, more so than my own. I'm glad he's ready to date again. (Sarcasm, thank you very much) I don't know when I'll be able to jump in again. He really fucked me up. I'm emotionally drained and my heart seems pretty hollow. However, hopefully he takes what he's learned from me and this whole fucking mess and treats this new girl he likes with more respect and worthiness. I'd hate for it to be perfect in the beginning and have him fall short in the end. I hope he at least manned up a bit... in the meantime, my guard is still all the way up.

These last few days have been some of the hardest for me, physically and emotionally. I'm like a tea kettle, ready to go off at any second. I broke down a few times here and there over the last couple months, but this past month has been ridiculous. I've been literally crying to my mom almost every day and spilling to her that I can't deal with anything on my own anymore. Literally. I even broke down in the middle of the mall today. I'm not one to cause a scene. I hate crying in public. I feel like a 2 year old who hasn't gotten their way with something. I just can't deal with having no car. I can't deal with having no job. I can't deal with having no money to do anything anymore. It's just getting absolutely ridiculous not knowing when I'll be able to drive a car off a dealership lot or get my $2,000 from NYS due to lost wages and $2,500 (if i even get that much) for my car from the other asshole's insurance. It's a fucking waiting game and I'm tired of it.

I'm just so tired... :(

I just have to keep thinking to myself things will get better... things will get better. ---Will things ever get better?...

"I'm lost at sea, the radio is jamming, but they won't find me
I swear it's for the best, and then your frequency is pulling me in closer till I'm home
and I've been up for days, I finally lost my mind,
and then I lost my way, I'm blistered but I'm better
and I'm home.

I will crawl, there's things that are worth giving up, I know, but I won't let this get me,
I will fight, you live the life you're given with the storms outside,
some days all I do is watch the sky..."