Le sigh.

I booked my flight to Los Angeles today. :)
Even though it isn't permanent - yet.
I'm just visiting Abbey and getting a feel for it first.
I'm so excited! Best birthday present ever.

I wish I could read minds.
Lately, I'm so temperamental about everything.
I think my mom can see it, too.
She's been telling me to 'calm down' lately.
I'm just so blah and all over the place.

I don't want to hear about your ex girlfriend.
and I don't want to hear about your fiance.

Hmmfph.

Sometimes.

Sometimes I like to lie to myself. -- Well, not lie, but pretend like things are okay when they're not.
Okay, nevermind.

Yep.

Sometimes I do this:

Last thing you and your ex boyfriend/girlfriend talked about?
The last thing he and I talked about? Wow, this would be back in March. He wanted me to take him back. I refused. I knew I needed to get out of our relationship. I haven't talked to him since.

Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced?
I thought about it, but decided not too. I kind of want my monroe done, though.

Interested in anyone at the momet?
For the first time in a long time, I can say yes.

Have you had more than 3 boyfriends/girlfriends at the same time?
Are you kidding? I'm more of a one man kind of girl. - I dated the same one for 8 years for fucks sake!

What will you do this week?
I work tomorrow, sunday, monday, tuesday and wednesday. Wednesday evening I head to Toronto for the night, Thursday I'm going to Syracuse, Friday is party errand day, Saturday is my party and Sunday is recoup day. Monday is the start of another work week.

Are you in a good mood right now?
For the most part.

What's bothering you right now?
The fact that I'm broke and don't know how to say no.

Are you on medication for anyting?
No, but I wish I had some morphine or something for this back pain I'm currently experiencing.

Last female you slept in the same room with?
Leah and I are always traveling. - Pittsburgh, John Mayer.

If you were upset, who's the first girl you would go to?
Abbey, Leah, Kendyl, Nicole. Whoever would answer first..

Do you need to say anything to someone?
I wish I had the balls to say something to someone.

When was the last time someone yelled at you?
Probably a few weeks ago and it was over something completely fucking retarded.

Is it cute when boys kiss on the forehead?
I fucking LOVE it. ;)

What's the biggest age difference between you and someone you've dated?
Uh, 2 years maybe?

Do you think any of your ex-boyfiends/girlriends are attractive?
Well, I dated them for a reason didn't I?

Who woke you up today?
I woke up all by myself.

Current Mood?
A little bit of everything. Tiredness, impatient, pain, etc.

How long was your last phone call?
8m 14s

How many kids do you want to have?
1 or 2 maybe

Do you want to fight someone?
Not really. I haven't fought anyone since 9th grade.

What did you do today?
worked... that's about it.

Who was your last text message from?
Courtney

Has anyone ever told you they love you?
Yes.

Do you get along with your mom?
I'm glad to say my mom is one of my best friends.

Do you believe in true love?
Sometimes.

What made you sad today?
Nothing made me sad.

When was the last time you were disappointed?
Today.

What's something you'd like to have right now?
A nice boy to cuddle with.

How's your hair today?
Straight, as usual.. but flatter that normal which is kind of making me angry.

Do you fall for people easily?
For the most part no, but I think I'm falling for somebody and it kind of scares me.

When's the last time you were surprised?
Honestly? August 23rd.

Does the last person you held hands with, mean anything to you?
The last person I held hands with was Kendyl. lmfao - before that was one of the All Time Low boys... so not really.

Could you go a day without eating?
I went 2 days without eating this week. Damn flu.

Who was the last person in your bedroom?
Jessica.

Are you missing someone?
I'm currently missing a shit load of people.

Why is your myspace song what it is?
Because I was in a silly mood.

Who took your default picture?
I did. It's now officially a year old though. I took it the afternoon of Jack's Mannequin in September of 2007.

What color shirt are you wearing?
Blue.

When was the last time you talked to your number 2?
Via Myspace today.. in person? A couple weeks ago. :(

Do you think you'll be in a relationship 3 months from now?
I'd like to say/wish yes. Unfortunately, that wouldn't be fair to the guy nor myself, when I'm moving to California, supposedly at the end of the year. But we'll see.

Are you typically a jealous person?
Every now and again, but that's only natural. I'm not the jealous girlfriend type at all though.

Do you know anyone that smokes pot?
hahaha, yesss.

Do you still talk to the person you last dated?
Haven't talked to him since March.

Something happen today that made you angry?
Nothing.

What were you doing before this survey?
Trying to put my thoughts into words...

What will you do after the survey?
Probably go to sleep, I have to work in the morning.

First thing you do when you wake up?
Sometimes shower, sometimes just bum around the house.

What's on your bedroom floor right now?
pair of pj shorts, pillow, ab lounge, jack's mannequin hoodie, the book I'm reading, my shoes and a hollister bag.

Do you still talk to the first person you kissed?
Like, first kiss, or first REAL kiss? I haven't talked to the guy I first 'kissed' in a while... although he lives on my street and I haven't talked to the guy I first 'real kissed' in a couple months.

Did you have a dream last night?
Yes, actually.

Where were you at 3:02 AM this morning?
In my bed, reading.

Where is your bf/gf right now?
I don't have a boyfriend.

Do you trust people easily?
Sometimes... but for the most part, my guard is always up.


---------------------


What's a fact about the last person who had their arms around you?
The last person who had their arms around me, as in hug? Kendyl - she's my best friend.

What do you currently hear right now?
I'm currently listening to my boys: There For Tomorrow.

When was the last time you were told you were beautiful?
I hear it all the time from older men, which is fucking terrible.

Could you go a day without eating?
Didn't I answer this in the first survey?

Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with a C?
Bahahaha. Story of my fucking life. - Cody.

Does your guardian force you to go to church or do they let you make the decision?
I've never been... so I guess I made that decision.

Where is the furthest place you've traveled?
I flew to Florida. But the longest place I've driven to was Illinois.

How long does it take you to shower?
to take an actual shower, about 10-15 minutes, but to get ready about 30-45mins.

What was last thing you drank?
Diet Lipton Peach Papaya White Tea.

If you could have anything right now, what would it be?
For next week to get here... and October 29th, CALI-FORN-I-A.

What was for dinner last night?
I don't know, I worked until midnight.

Does anyone love you?
I'm sure my family and friends do.

How has the week been?
Long.. and it's only going to get longer.

Do you curse in front of your parents?
All the time?

What girl can you tell everything too?
Abbey.

Have you ever kissed anyone who's name started with an A?
Yes, there were three. Anthony, Andrew and Adam.

When a friend walks out of your life, do you go after them or let them go?
If I feel it's worth it, go after them. Sometimes I won't care, because I know they'll be back anyways.

Does anyone hate you?
Probably..

What are you doing tonight?
Going to sleep.

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
I believe in giving second chances, given the circumstances.

Have you chewed gum after someone else already has?
Ew. No.

Do you have a crush on somebody?
Maybe. ;)

Have you ever seen your best friend cry?
I've seen all my best friends cry. (except my guy friends, wussies)

Do you walk around naked?
Bahaha. Noooo.

Does the person you like, like you back?
That's a good question. I'm not sure at the moment.

Have you met anyone new this summer?
I made a bunch of new friends while following Warped this summer.

What are you thinking about right now?
Sleep.

Are you a morning or night person?
I'm more of a night person, but not a bad morning person.

Flooding mind.

Here I go, my mind doing laps again.

One day this won't be as hard.

Don't forget about the blue skies..

I figured my parents disapproved of me wanting to move to California because my brother basically left his life here and moved to Washington.
Apparentally, I was wrong.

My parents were outside talking, probably thinking it was a better place for them to talk without my sister and I hearing what they were talking about.

My mom was saying something like how she just wants all of us happy. Whether it makes Bryan happy to be in Washington, Lindsey getting her Jetta, Randy doing whatever it is he wants.. and me going to California. I over heard her saying, "I just want the kids to be happy. Especially Kristie. She works so fucking hard. I want her to be in California with her friend and the palm trees."

I had to laugh to myself... the palm trees mom? really? haha. Thanks for respecting my wishes.

I worry, I worry all the time why worry?

Lately, I've been tired and uninspired.

I've been thinking of ways that I can grow as a person,
and to better the circumstances around me.
I know that only I can make changes to make my life,
that feel worthwhile and rewarding. It's just so hard sometimes.
I try to roll with the punches as best as I can, but seriously;
a person can only tolerate so much.

I'm waiting for something to have a substanial impact on myself,
in hopes that maybe one day I can have an impact on someone else.

Yesterday my mom told me that my dad mentioned to her that I was a good kid.
My mom replied with, "I know," and my dad went on to say,
"No, I mean, she is a good kid. She helps us out a lot."
and my mom goes, "I know."
I feel like sometimes it's not enough... I owe a lot to my parents.

I have a lot to be greatful for...
I have great friends, family, a job and a car.
I get to virtually do whatever I want, whenever I want.

Why do I always feel like there is something missing?
But something just doesn't feel right.

I kind of hit a road block - a wall of some sort.

I feel lost...

I just really need to stop worrying.

Tell me how..

Day by day I'm learning.

Learning how to keep my head up.
Learning how to have faith in others, as well as in myself.

I'm learning how to become a better person.
I'm learning how to see the better side of things.

I'm learning that sometimes it's okay to be a little selfish.

I'm learning that, a lot of the times, people think the worst of you.
I'm learning that, people have a hard time thinking the best of you.

I'm learning that there is a lot more hostility in the world that is needed.
I'm learning that it's okay to open up your heart, even if it's a little bit or just temporary.

I'm learning how to mend a broken heart, even if it's taken a lot longer than I thought it would.
I'm learning how to let go of the past, even though so much of it, is what actually has kept me together.

I'm learning that I only need a core group of people in my life to keep me afloat.
I'm learning that I have a really hard time letting people in.

I'm learning to adjust to my insecurities... slowly.
I'm learning how to admit when I'm afraid.

I'm learning how to find my place in this ugly world.

I'm learning that it's okay to ask for a little help sometimes.

I'm learning... there's a lot of things that I'm still learning.

Forever.

I will soon come home with my other arm forever marked.

With thanks to the lyrical inspiration of Bryce Avary.

http://www.friendsorenemies.com/web/foe/users/therocketsummer/

The meaning behind this song has meant so much to me; (the entire record, "Do You Feel," has in all honesty been a huge inspiration.) However, this video, the song and the meaning behind it, is definitely eye opening to me. Bryce is a fucking genius. What a remarkable soul.

i could really go for a walk through the park, maybe a visit to the zoo to see the monkeys, giraffes and the birds.. and someone to watch a bug's life with. ;)

What we do with our time..

step, step right over me,
careful now, navigate with ease.
what it is that you want me to see;
is this something that we can appease?

dance to a dream,
where inspiration can flourish.
maybe a friendship, we can redeem,
and each other we will possibly nourish.

i wish i could brush you off as if i don't care,
but, boy you sure do have your charm.
with a half hearted smile and an eager stare,
with a companion; fitting snug inside the nook of your arm.

ironic how you cared so much before,
but i slipped up, made one small mistake.
and though that's more than what you allow for,
just one part of this game that we partake.

conversations kept short and somewhat inapt,
while we both sit here mum and learn how to deal.
i guess we know our integrity is intact,
although, we'll never know, just how we both feel.