"and since we're being honest.."

i'm into you. you are taking up every inch of my mind lately and i don't know how to deal with it. i haven't felt like this in a long time... it's a ridiculous feeling.

let the nervousness feeling settle in again. ugh.

i'm going crazy, crazy, crazy, baby, crazy, crazy!

feist your fucking eyes on this asshole!

now i'm giving you something worthwhile to read.

i'm really starting to hate you. you're annoying as fuck. you're arrogant. you're mean. you only are concerned about yourself. you think that you are SO great and so much fucking better than everyone else. you think you are ALWAYS right. really, who are you kidding? you're not. you're JUST like everyone else. you find out that i like someone else, that ISN'T you (for the record, I wasn't really ever interested... nor will i EVER be interested.) oh shit, i bet your temper is boiling. now you're nothing but mean to me.. oh that's right. you were only nice when you were trying to get with me (which was never going to happen!) get over yourself and your fucking ego. you're a piece of fucking shit.

how's that for a fucking poem?!

FUCK YOU and go kill yourself! kthanks.

today is a sad day.

i'm all out of my can't stop won't stop chapstick.

this weekend was great. although it was a treacherous drive; (a drive that was supposed to take 5 hours, took a long, nasty 9 hours to get to poughkeepsie) it was fucking worth it and i loved every second of it.

the show on friday got canceled, due to the fact that poughkeepsie was in a state of emergency. oh well... picked up my boys in DSI and it turned out that we had a room reserved at the same hotel as all the bands. so we partied all night. played a game called landmines that branden taught me and my girls... some people joined in. it was fun. (too much) went down the hall to play beer pong in JS' room. warned jack he was in for a rude awakening because he's a sore loser and i'm a sick pong player. was kicking his and his partner's ass and then we were head to head and everytime they threw the ball i would just catch them... jack couldn't handle it and declared me winner. LOL... we faught it out later on.. but it didn't last long (really, it just ended with me giving him the puppy dog face and him not being able to not laugh at me, so i won). hung out with him nearly all night... we had fun. we have fun with each other. nothing serious. just enjoying each other's company. good cuddler, though. i have no idea why i felt as nervous as i did beforehand.

although i felt like death, i was a trooper and still made it out to the show on saturday. i was more nervous walking into it than i was the night before. i literally could have thrown up all over the place. but i kept my composure. the show itself was a kick ass show... loved all the bands that were playing... it just made it for a good fucking night. it was really good seeing him. i never know what to expect or what to think when we're around each other. there was this 17yr old chick who wanted on him and he was like "excuse me, i would so go to jail. oh my god!" and the bitch got pissed off about it. i'm like "oh, ps! I got dibs anyways!" haha, sometimes i have balls... and he loved it. i'm glad that at the end of the night it was only him and i because it was probably one of the best time's i've had with him since this whole thing started. we got to know a little more about each other... we finally had an opportunity just to be real and genuine with each other. OH and! my outfit was KICK ASS... (he approved) hahaha... needless to say, i can't help but like this boy A LOT and i'm more open with him than i have been with any guy in a really long time. it almost scares me. but i'm figuring it out on my own. if it backfires, it backfires... i'm okay with that.

he taught me something this weekend... and for the most part, i've always known this, but never applied it to myself because i always felt over ruled... like nothing ever mattered and i was never, nor would i ever be good enough. but he put things into perspective for me. when he said it, it just made more sense to me.

"You're numero uno. You live for yourself. If you don't live for yourself, there is no point in anything. You live life for the moment, not the past; but for right now. You live for the present and you live for the future."

there was more to this discussion, obviously. but it was personal and it meant a lot to me... he makes me giddy. i can't help it.

yippee-i-yo-ka-yay!

in less than twelve hours...
an amazing (hopefully) weekend lies ahead of me.

ugh.

i can't wait for this weekend.
i can't wait to see you friday.
i can't wait to see you saturday.
.... to say the least...
this is going to be WEIRD!

awkward.

i love awkward situations.
this weekend is going to be glorious.
for the most part.

i'm so excited and unbelievably anxious.
but TERRIBLY nervous at the same time.

i love it when random people follow you on twitter.
then you call them out and they're like
"oh hey, maybe we can talk in person again
one of these days, because the internet gets old.."

how bout this weekend?!!

bahahaha.


my life has become so weird.

Hello world.

I've been posting stupid surveys a lot lately.
My apologies. I know they are annoying.
I really have found myself filling them out
just to kill time... to make me not think of the
things that are really going on in my mind.

These last couple of months have been nothing
but the best. I really have no REAL complaints.
Just lots of thoughts are drenching my brain.

I'm thankful for all my new friends that I've made.
A lot of them are the most genuine people that I've
met in an awfully long time. Being in their presence
was refreshing and I'm super glad to have met them.
It's all about time and place.

Time and distance is the most horrible concept.
I hate it. There are so many people and faces
that I miss, that I'm starting to get incredibly
impatient. It's ridiculous. I used to be the queen
of patience and here I am... freaking out.

I miss you.
I miss you.
and I most certainly, miss you.

I have to slow down, rewind and take a breather.
I've just been running at such a fast pace.. I'm
going to burn myself out sooner or later.

Is it so wrong to say though, that despite my last few
statements, I actually like that I've been stepping
outside of my element lately? Is it so hard to believe?
Really. I'm just starting to really enjoy life and to take it
as it comes. Though some things are quite surprising,
(believe me, I'm surprising myself more so than yourself)
but I like it that I'm not keeping myself so well reserved
anymore. At least now I can say that I truly do, have
a backbone and that I know I'm growing into my own
person.... I'm still taking life day by day.. head up.

I have hope. I'm dealing with patience.
"I get by with a little help from my friends."

Yeah.

Do you sleep with one leg out from under the covers?
Sometimes... it's not like I can really control what I'm doing in my sleep.

How many times have you eaten sushi?
oh wow, I don't even know. Sushi is one of my favorites!!

What do you want right now?
December 19th, 20th and 21st to get here ASAP. <333

Do you have any Jordan's or Matt's in your cell phone?
I used to have a Jordan in my phone... not anymore. Not sure what happened to that.
But I have 5 different Matt's in my phone.

Think of the last time you stayed at someones house, where is that?
hmmm. the last house I was at was Branden from Drive Side Impact stayed there til around 5am.. but physically slept over night? I want to say Leah's, but if it wasn't Leah's it was Abbey's.

Are you starting to realize anything?
Actually, yes. A few things right now... I'm learning to deal with patience. I used to be SO good with dealing with things.. but my anxiety is getting the best of me lately.

What side of a heart do you draw first?
Right.

Whose car were you in last?
My own.

Do you have empty alcohol bottles hidden anywhere?
Not hidden. I do have a bottle of jack in my trunk. HA!

Where's your mom and dad?
My parents are sleeping.

Last person you saw other than your family?
I'm currently staring at Courtney. She's spending the night and is crashing on my floor.

What did you think about when you first woke up?
"Ah fuck, I gotta work. Ah fuckkkkkk, I gotta get to work early because Courtney has to be there at 6am."

What are you going to do after this?
Hitting the sheets.

Are you a jealous person?
Not really. I hold my own.

You had one day to live, would you stay home?
Fuck no.

If you could do something differently, would you go back?
Depends on the situation.

What's irritating you right now?
The idea of patience.

Have you done anything embarrassing lately?
Well, there was this one time in California... everybody involved knows where this is going.

Is there a high chance of you going out to the movies soon?
Yep. I haven't seen Role Models yet.

Who was your last text message from?
Jenna - my manager. Making plans to go out. :0)

It's Friday at noon, where are you?
working, most likely.

Is your current hair color your natural hair color?
It's black, my actual natural color is extremely dark brown.

Who was the last person to call you?
Kendyl.

Is this year the best year of your life?
HANDS DOWN!

Where is your mobile?
Uh, mobile? Who really calls it that anymore? my CELL PHONE is in front of me.

Would you rather your partner have gorgeous eyes or a gorgeous smile?
wow. I would prefer to have both, I'm a huge eye person.. but I think I'd have to say gorgeous smile.

Have you ever kissed anyone with a name that starts with S or A?
S, no. A, yes.

What did it mean to you?
one of the boys whose name started with an A, I had my first real kiss with. I was head over heals about him for a while.

Where's the person you miss most?
She's in Los Angeles. I see her face in a little over a week!! :0)

Looking back, did you ever waste too much time on a certain boy or girl?
STORY OF MY LIFE. I wasted 8 fucking years of my life with AN ASSHOLE.
but I guess I wouldn't have found out that we just weren't meant to be.

Do you know anyone who's addicted to any drugs?
I'm sure I know a couple people. But I'm no longer associated with them so I don't know.

Could you ever be friends again with someone that broke your heart?
I'm not friends with the guy that broke my heart. So, no.

Do you love someone that doesn't know you love them?
I'm not in love with anybody...

Are your eyes the same colour as your mum's or dad's?
I have brown eyes, they both have brown eyes.

Is there a difference between love and in love?
Absolutely. You can LOVE something, but be IN LOVE with someone. If you can understand the difference.

Do you hate anyone?
I can't say I hate anyone, but I despise someone.

Do you give out second chances?
I have... sometimes I still do, but I have a better sense of who I am and don't tolerate the bullshit anymore.

Have you ever hated someone, but ended up being friends with them?
Actually, yes.

What do you think about your number three on your top friends?
Courtney is my bestest friend.

What do you think your number 1 is doing right now?
Probably just got home from work not too long ago. Courtney and I stopped up to visit Nicole tonight. :0)

How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust ?
I trust my dad. I trust Ken. I trust Mark... so three.

Do you think age matters in relationships?
Sometimes, but it really all depends on the person and how they maintain themselves.

Can you recall the last time you sincerely liked someone a lot?
I currently "sincerely like" two different guys right now. They both make me giddy. Sucks.

Have you ever written anything on a bathroom wall or door?
HAHA, yeah... probably when I was like, 15? hahaha

Will you be in a relationship in 4 months?
Optimistic, but not counting on it.

Do you have good eye sight?
Yes, for the most part.

Who do you blame for your mood today?
I've been in the same mood for about 3 days now. I don't know why.

What was the first thing you did this morning?
Got ready for work.

How do you vent your anger?
Music. Bitch out loud. Vent to a friend. Go for a drive. Go to sleep.

Do you have any siblings?
2 older brothers, 1 younger sister.

Do you think you’ll be married in 10 years ?
Uh, it's a possibility. But, I wouldn't care if I'm not.

Do you know anyone with the same name as you?
A few.