You dismantle me.

I feel like today, might be a good day.


I feel somewhat better. :0)


"It felt so good to roll the windows down,
drive alone until we find ourselves
and we'll go back to the life we wanna lead,
then we'll go back to the way things used to be."
- "The Good Life" - Valencia

Swallowed in the sound.

If you only knew... I wish you could read my mind.. will you let me in yours?





living for someone else isn’t living at all.

Too much to think about..

I can't even think straight and it's driving me nuts.


I feel helpless!!




"There's a lot that I don't know, there's a lot that I'm still learning;
But I think I'm letting go, to find my body is still burning;
And you hold me down, and you got me living in the past;
Come on and pick me up, somebody clear the wreckage from the blast."

We felt alive...

I think I'm going to give up and stop trying... maybe it'll be easier. I'm not a weak person... but every day I seem to feel a little bit weaker. Someone inspire me, I need someone to fall back on, just as much as the next person does. :(

friendships come and go.. but i feel it might be a while before this will ever get fixed... and that is not my fault.



p.s. sometimes i don't know how to express myself... and i might be a little afraid.

I can't get a break..

It seems like lately these days, I'm the bad guy. I'm always the one to blame. I try to keep everybody happy, but I can't do anything right. I can't help but feel it's never going to be the same. There are some things that I'm able to accept blame for and I'm able to admit when I'm wrong, but I will not be called a liar, when I know that I'm not lying or in the wrong. I normally, don't ever make promises I know I won't be able to keep. I don't make plans if I know that in the end I'll have to break them, because I know how it feels to be promised something and then be let down when it comes time to doing said something. I learned that at a very young age. I don't fuck people over, just to do it or because I think I'm more important than anybody else. I'm sick and tired of everybody walking all over me and me not saying a fucking word about it. All my life I have been taking orders from everybody else, because I thought it was okay and I always put everybody else before my own self because I care too much about everybody else and their feelings more so than my own. I don't think I'm better than anybody else and I never ever, once stated that the world revolves around me, but seriously, when do I get my break? I honestly, cannot recall a time where I have ever felt so damn low in my life. I'm trying to be the best person I can be. I'm doing the only thing I know how and that's living. Everybody has their imperfections, don't get me wrong. But being an untrue, dishonest and disloyal person is definitely not one of mine. I don't ever try to cause problems. I'm not the drama starter, usually I'm the resolver. I'm the go-to and the person in-between. I never ever intend to hurt any of my friends or family, or anybody around me.. I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I'm definitely not cold hearted. I just wish that sometimes, when confrontation is needed it can be resolved in a civil and human like manner. I don't understand how "friends" can treat one another so poorly sometimes. I don't understand why people think it's okay to treat people the way they do sometimes. I'll admit, I've had my moments of hostility. But, I've been trying to change that and I know when people deserve it and when they don't. But what's been coming my way lately, especially this week, today and the last couple of days, I think I definitely deserved to be treated with a little more respect than what I have been getting. I absolutely, cannot wait to move to Los Angeles and get out of this hell hole. I'll probably miss a select few.... and with that, I'll be making some changes. It's not going to be easy for me but I know what I have to do in order to make some dreams of mine, a reality. - Finally... the count down to December begins.

Moving forward.

Over the last couple of days, I've never had such a clearer picture.

People that I'm surrounded by in this city (other than those of my family and closest friends) are now my sworn enemies. I really want nothing to do with anybody in this fucking city called "Buffalo" any longer.

I'm enrolling into West Lost Angeles Community College and moving in December. I've never been more excited, nervous, scared, anxious or ready for anything in my life.

I'm looking forward to moving on, growing up, meeting new faces, experiencing new cultures, surrounding myself with a totally different atmoshphere, GETTING TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL, etc. I just need a change and I need it more than anything I've ever needed before.

Abbey is leaving for LA in like two weeks and I'm glad that I'll have someone out there to keep me grounded. I wish all my friends were going... that's the only thing I may not be able to handle.. is being away from my friends and family. I love you all. It's nothing personal. This is me time and I feel that if you love me and understand me, you'll completely let me face and experience this all on my own terms. Have a little faith, I am. I know I'm strong willed and completely independant... I'm not saying this is going to be easy, I know it's not. But I'm giving myself the benefit of the doubt and you all should too. If I end up coming home, I'm counting on my support system to be there in the end. I don't want to come back here, to tell you the truth.

Anywho, this was just a rambling small write in.