Try to avoid disaster

tonight was Underoath ♥
it was phenomenal.
after about six years,
and quite possibly 27 shows later,
they are still my favorite live band.
hands down.

what made tonight even more great..
on the way there, while just shootin the shit,
i unexpectedly found out that (he) would also be there.
i was so excited i missed my exit!

and you know what?
i'm still smiling.

ugh, i'm 10 years old again.

busybody.

packing.

that's what i'm doing and it really shouldn't be this hard.
i promised myself i wouldn't over pack and here i am..
over-packing.
i'll repack tomorrow anyways, so why keep at it?

as if packing isn't stressing me out enough,
while doing so, it leaves an open field
for my mind to wander.

i can't help but feel the way i do..
he doesn't have the slightest clue
we'll see what happens..

but at least i'm realizing one thing.
that it's okay for me to be happy.

at least for this moment,
i have a smile on my face.

I was always loud enough..

you know, crushes can be cute sometimes,
but i'm not sure what to think of this.
i feel like i'm in first grade.

i haven't known him long,
which is silly, because after talking so much,
it's weird that we haven't met sooner.

but all i know is, i love being around him.
he puts the biggest fucking smile on my face.
please help me, i can't help but get giddy.
no awkward silences... that's a first (okay, maybe a second?) for me.
i feel like i've known him for years.

i feel a good friendship is in the works.

i'm optimistic. :)

I hate waiting.

And I'm still waiting for a sign-
Or just a win-win situation.
Can I hear it one more time?
Without the sound of devastation setting in.

if looks could really kill..

i keep typing up this long entry... and deleting it all.
i'm so confused lately. but... the real main reason of this entry was just to simply say.

THIS WEEKEND WAS FUCKING GLORIOUS.

there, that was simple enough.

FUCK.

Let's say, hypothetically, I've been friends with this boy for a while... years perhaps, haven't seen much of him because of his circumstances... haven't talked to him as much as I'd like because of those circumstances and because I'm shy, but the friendship has always been there. Let's say I've liked him since I met him.... but then your friend meets him (YEARS) later... and decides to start talking to him and likes him too? How fucking RETARDED.

All hypothetically speaking of course.

Well, you said you wanted war..

This is really hard for me to admit, but I'm going to say it.
Everybody and their fucking mothers are right about me.

I don't have the ability to read well into guys.
I never have. It's just not as easy for me as it is for others.
I have a really hard time opening up. I have trust issues.
but for good reason.
I have horrible anxiety and am easily overwhelmed.
I have my own insecurities... and sometimes;
all I need is that little extra push.. and a little leverage.

This isn't only about guys. That's not what this is entirely about.

I always say that I don't want to depend on others,
but let's face the facts, sometimes I need too.
I only have a few that I can absolutely depend on..
but right now, every single one of them has their own shit to deal with
and I have no one to go to that can even begin to try and help me.

I feel trapped.
Legs buckle, knees hit the ground.
and there I am, watching my world spin in circles;
completely unaware of what's happening around me.

lost.