"and since we're being honest.."

i'm into you. you are taking up every inch of my mind lately and i don't know how to deal with it. i haven't felt like this in a long time... it's a ridiculous feeling.

let the nervousness feeling settle in again. ugh.

i'm going crazy, crazy, crazy, baby, crazy, crazy!

feist your fucking eyes on this asshole!

now i'm giving you something worthwhile to read.

i'm really starting to hate you. you're annoying as fuck. you're arrogant. you're mean. you only are concerned about yourself. you think that you are SO great and so much fucking better than everyone else. you think you are ALWAYS right. really, who are you kidding? you're not. you're JUST like everyone else. you find out that i like someone else, that ISN'T you (for the record, I wasn't really ever interested... nor will i EVER be interested.) oh shit, i bet your temper is boiling. now you're nothing but mean to me.. oh that's right. you were only nice when you were trying to get with me (which was never going to happen!) get over yourself and your fucking ego. you're a piece of fucking shit.

how's that for a fucking poem?!

FUCK YOU and go kill yourself! kthanks.

today is a sad day.

i'm all out of my can't stop won't stop chapstick.

this weekend was great. although it was a treacherous drive; (a drive that was supposed to take 5 hours, took a long, nasty 9 hours to get to poughkeepsie) it was fucking worth it and i loved every second of it.

the show on friday got canceled, due to the fact that poughkeepsie was in a state of emergency. oh well... picked up my boys in DSI and it turned out that we had a room reserved at the same hotel as all the bands. so we partied all night. played a game called landmines that branden taught me and my girls... some people joined in. it was fun. (too much) went down the hall to play beer pong in JS' room. warned jack he was in for a rude awakening because he's a sore loser and i'm a sick pong player. was kicking his and his partner's ass and then we were head to head and everytime they threw the ball i would just catch them... jack couldn't handle it and declared me winner. LOL... we faught it out later on.. but it didn't last long (really, it just ended with me giving him the puppy dog face and him not being able to not laugh at me, so i won). hung out with him nearly all night... we had fun. we have fun with each other. nothing serious. just enjoying each other's company. good cuddler, though. i have no idea why i felt as nervous as i did beforehand.

although i felt like death, i was a trooper and still made it out to the show on saturday. i was more nervous walking into it than i was the night before. i literally could have thrown up all over the place. but i kept my composure. the show itself was a kick ass show... loved all the bands that were playing... it just made it for a good fucking night. it was really good seeing him. i never know what to expect or what to think when we're around each other. there was this 17yr old chick who wanted on him and he was like "excuse me, i would so go to jail. oh my god!" and the bitch got pissed off about it. i'm like "oh, ps! I got dibs anyways!" haha, sometimes i have balls... and he loved it. i'm glad that at the end of the night it was only him and i because it was probably one of the best time's i've had with him since this whole thing started. we got to know a little more about each other... we finally had an opportunity just to be real and genuine with each other. OH and! my outfit was KICK ASS... (he approved) hahaha... needless to say, i can't help but like this boy A LOT and i'm more open with him than i have been with any guy in a really long time. it almost scares me. but i'm figuring it out on my own. if it backfires, it backfires... i'm okay with that.

he taught me something this weekend... and for the most part, i've always known this, but never applied it to myself because i always felt over ruled... like nothing ever mattered and i was never, nor would i ever be good enough. but he put things into perspective for me. when he said it, it just made more sense to me.

"You're numero uno. You live for yourself. If you don't live for yourself, there is no point in anything. You live life for the moment, not the past; but for right now. You live for the present and you live for the future."

there was more to this discussion, obviously. but it was personal and it meant a lot to me... he makes me giddy. i can't help it.

yippee-i-yo-ka-yay!

in less than twelve hours...
an amazing (hopefully) weekend lies ahead of me.

ugh.

i can't wait for this weekend.
i can't wait to see you friday.
i can't wait to see you saturday.
.... to say the least...
this is going to be WEIRD!

awkward.

i love awkward situations.
this weekend is going to be glorious.
for the most part.

i'm so excited and unbelievably anxious.
but TERRIBLY nervous at the same time.

i love it when random people follow you on twitter.
then you call them out and they're like
"oh hey, maybe we can talk in person again
one of these days, because the internet gets old.."

how bout this weekend?!!

bahahaha.


my life has become so weird.

Hello world.

I've been posting stupid surveys a lot lately.
My apologies. I know they are annoying.
I really have found myself filling them out
just to kill time... to make me not think of the
things that are really going on in my mind.

These last couple of months have been nothing
but the best. I really have no REAL complaints.
Just lots of thoughts are drenching my brain.

I'm thankful for all my new friends that I've made.
A lot of them are the most genuine people that I've
met in an awfully long time. Being in their presence
was refreshing and I'm super glad to have met them.
It's all about time and place.

Time and distance is the most horrible concept.
I hate it. There are so many people and faces
that I miss, that I'm starting to get incredibly
impatient. It's ridiculous. I used to be the queen
of patience and here I am... freaking out.

I miss you.
I miss you.
and I most certainly, miss you.

I have to slow down, rewind and take a breather.
I've just been running at such a fast pace.. I'm
going to burn myself out sooner or later.

Is it so wrong to say though, that despite my last few
statements, I actually like that I've been stepping
outside of my element lately? Is it so hard to believe?
Really. I'm just starting to really enjoy life and to take it
as it comes. Though some things are quite surprising,
(believe me, I'm surprising myself more so than yourself)
but I like it that I'm not keeping myself so well reserved
anymore. At least now I can say that I truly do, have
a backbone and that I know I'm growing into my own
person.... I'm still taking life day by day.. head up.

I have hope. I'm dealing with patience.
"I get by with a little help from my friends."

Yeah.

Do you sleep with one leg out from under the covers?
Sometimes... it's not like I can really control what I'm doing in my sleep.

How many times have you eaten sushi?
oh wow, I don't even know. Sushi is one of my favorites!!

What do you want right now?
December 19th, 20th and 21st to get here ASAP. <333

Do you have any Jordan's or Matt's in your cell phone?
I used to have a Jordan in my phone... not anymore. Not sure what happened to that.
But I have 5 different Matt's in my phone.

Think of the last time you stayed at someones house, where is that?
hmmm. the last house I was at was Branden from Drive Side Impact stayed there til around 5am.. but physically slept over night? I want to say Leah's, but if it wasn't Leah's it was Abbey's.

Are you starting to realize anything?
Actually, yes. A few things right now... I'm learning to deal with patience. I used to be SO good with dealing with things.. but my anxiety is getting the best of me lately.

What side of a heart do you draw first?
Right.

Whose car were you in last?
My own.

Do you have empty alcohol bottles hidden anywhere?
Not hidden. I do have a bottle of jack in my trunk. HA!

Where's your mom and dad?
My parents are sleeping.

Last person you saw other than your family?
I'm currently staring at Courtney. She's spending the night and is crashing on my floor.

What did you think about when you first woke up?
"Ah fuck, I gotta work. Ah fuckkkkkk, I gotta get to work early because Courtney has to be there at 6am."

What are you going to do after this?
Hitting the sheets.

Are you a jealous person?
Not really. I hold my own.

You had one day to live, would you stay home?
Fuck no.

If you could do something differently, would you go back?
Depends on the situation.

What's irritating you right now?
The idea of patience.

Have you done anything embarrassing lately?
Well, there was this one time in California... everybody involved knows where this is going.

Is there a high chance of you going out to the movies soon?
Yep. I haven't seen Role Models yet.

Who was your last text message from?
Jenna - my manager. Making plans to go out. :0)

It's Friday at noon, where are you?
working, most likely.

Is your current hair color your natural hair color?
It's black, my actual natural color is extremely dark brown.

Who was the last person to call you?
Kendyl.

Is this year the best year of your life?
HANDS DOWN!

Where is your mobile?
Uh, mobile? Who really calls it that anymore? my CELL PHONE is in front of me.

Would you rather your partner have gorgeous eyes or a gorgeous smile?
wow. I would prefer to have both, I'm a huge eye person.. but I think I'd have to say gorgeous smile.

Have you ever kissed anyone with a name that starts with S or A?
S, no. A, yes.

What did it mean to you?
one of the boys whose name started with an A, I had my first real kiss with. I was head over heals about him for a while.

Where's the person you miss most?
She's in Los Angeles. I see her face in a little over a week!! :0)

Looking back, did you ever waste too much time on a certain boy or girl?
STORY OF MY LIFE. I wasted 8 fucking years of my life with AN ASSHOLE.
but I guess I wouldn't have found out that we just weren't meant to be.

Do you know anyone who's addicted to any drugs?
I'm sure I know a couple people. But I'm no longer associated with them so I don't know.

Could you ever be friends again with someone that broke your heart?
I'm not friends with the guy that broke my heart. So, no.

Do you love someone that doesn't know you love them?
I'm not in love with anybody...

Are your eyes the same colour as your mum's or dad's?
I have brown eyes, they both have brown eyes.

Is there a difference between love and in love?
Absolutely. You can LOVE something, but be IN LOVE with someone. If you can understand the difference.

Do you hate anyone?
I can't say I hate anyone, but I despise someone.

Do you give out second chances?
I have... sometimes I still do, but I have a better sense of who I am and don't tolerate the bullshit anymore.

Have you ever hated someone, but ended up being friends with them?
Actually, yes.

What do you think about your number three on your top friends?
Courtney is my bestest friend.

What do you think your number 1 is doing right now?
Probably just got home from work not too long ago. Courtney and I stopped up to visit Nicole tonight. :0)

How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust ?
I trust my dad. I trust Ken. I trust Mark... so three.

Do you think age matters in relationships?
Sometimes, but it really all depends on the person and how they maintain themselves.

Can you recall the last time you sincerely liked someone a lot?
I currently "sincerely like" two different guys right now. They both make me giddy. Sucks.

Have you ever written anything on a bathroom wall or door?
HAHA, yeah... probably when I was like, 15? hahaha

Will you be in a relationship in 4 months?
Optimistic, but not counting on it.

Do you have good eye sight?
Yes, for the most part.

Who do you blame for your mood today?
I've been in the same mood for about 3 days now. I don't know why.

What was the first thing you did this morning?
Got ready for work.

How do you vent your anger?
Music. Bitch out loud. Vent to a friend. Go for a drive. Go to sleep.

Do you have any siblings?
2 older brothers, 1 younger sister.

Do you think you’ll be married in 10 years ?
Uh, it's a possibility. But, I wouldn't care if I'm not.

Do you know anyone with the same name as you?
A few.

You think that I can't see..

Have you ever thoug​ht about​ getti​ng your lip pierc​ed?​
I do believe I will be getting my monroe pierced soon. I'm still debating though.

Are you interested in anyone at the moment?
Most definitely so.

What did you do​ this weeke​nd?
Friday I went out with Nicole, where we got hit on by every man in Buffalo.
It was definitely creeper night, that's for sure.
Saturday I went to see Pierce The Veil and Breathe Carolina<3 with Alex!
It was so much fun. I also took him to his first Mighty Taco experience.

Are you in a good mood right​ now?
I'm trying to be in a good mood. It's just hard for me right now. I've been up and down all day.

What's bothering you right now?
Oh a mixture of things. The fact that one of my best friends is severely disappointed with me
and there isn't really anything I can do to change that, but wait for her to work it out.
Also, there is this boy who I'm trying so hard not to get caught up in but I cannot help it.
It's a bizarre situation that I'm still trying to understand. Oy.

Last thing​ you and your ex boyfriend/​girlfriend​ talke​d about​?​
We broke up in February. The last time I talked to him was in March, because he wanted me to take him back.

Last femal​e you slept in the same room with?​
Abberz!!

Do you need to say anything to someone?
I've said all I could say to one person... and it's not the time to say anything to the other.

When was the last time someo​ne yelle​d at you, and why?
I got yelled at on Friday by my mother because I didn't have all my car payment money.
This Friday I'll probably get yelled at because I don't have enough money for my car insurance.

Do you get along​ with your mom?
Yes, for the most part. My mother is one of my best friends. We have our moments,
just like the next mother and daughter duo.

What'​s somet​hing you'​d like to have right now?
I would like to talk to this boy, but I'm refraining because I do not chase.
I do not want to feel needy. I don't want him to get the wrong idea.
I would also like to cuddle with him, because he's a wonderful cuddler.
... and he smells nice. ;0)

Are you more hot or cold at the momen​t?​
Omigod am I fucking cold!

How'​s your hair today​?​
I'm actually having a good hair day. It's half back and looks cute.

Do you fall for peopl​e easily?
Sometimes. I'd be lying to myself if I said I didn't..

Does the last perso​n you held hands with, mean anything to you?
Yeah...

What shirt are you wearing?
Gray hollister open button shirt.

When was the last time you talke​d to your number 1?
(myspace) I talked to Nicole earlier today. :)

Do you think​ you'​ll be in a relationship 3 months from now?
I could be in one, however, probably not. but we'll see.

Do you know anyon​e that smokes pot?
Plenty.

What will you do after​ this survey?​
Go to bed.

Do you trust people easily?​
Not usually.

Have you ever made out again​st a car?
Yes.

Who did you last talk to for longe​r than 10 minutes on the phone?
Alex

Ever kissed a blonde haired, blue eyes person?
If you count the time Cody dyed his hair blonde. If not, then nope.

Do you get distracted easily?
Sometimes. Today, for sure.

Look at your planner. Do you have any plans for December 31st?​
I hope whatever I am doing, I have a better time than I did last year.

Who was the last baby you held?​
I was driving the shuttle at the hotel. This woman had bought a bunch of things at Walmart
and couldn't manage to carry all her bags plus her almost 2 year old son, Cameron. I asked if she
needed any help and she told me to grab her son, because now apparently my job duties entail child services.
Though he gets into EVERYTHING at the hotel, he is such a looker. He even stopped crying when I picked him up. HA!

Your thoug​hts on long distance relationships?
I feel that if both people in the relationship have trust within one another, it's possible.

How many kids do you want to have?​
I used to want 4. I don't think I want anymore than 2.

Do you have a best frien​d?
I do.

Have you ever not been able to get someone off of your mind?​
I'm definitely going through that at this very moment.

Did you date anyone last summer?
Last summer, Cody. This past summer, was my first summer in like 4 years where I was single.
(and thank god for that!)

Is there​ a guy/​girl that knows everything (or mostly everything) about you?
Ken knows a lot about me. All my girl friends know just about everything about me.

Do you belie​ve what goes around comes around?
Definitely and it's never once failed me.

Is it okay if you kiss people while you're single?
Of course.. and if not, then someone better slap me across my hands with a ruler!

What is wrong with you right now?
I'm currently in my own bubble. I'm slightly tired and have a headache. I'm anxious and I'm nervous.

Do you think​ you'​ll be married in 10 years?
It's a possibility.

Do you crack your knuckles?
Not nearly as much as I used too.

Would​ you go in public looking like you do right now?
I went everywhere today looking the way I do right now.

What was the last thing that happened that made you laugh?
Courtney, Lindsey and I watching the 1998 TRL Finale countdown earlier.

Would​ you kiss someone to make your bf/gf mad?
No, I am not a tramp.

Can you handle the truth?
I most certainly can.

Are your nails painted?
Pretty hot pink.

Do you belie​ve exes can reall​y ever be "​just friends"​?​
I believe if you really tried, it could happen.. I'm not the greatest of friends with my exes,
but I still talk to all of them except for 1.

Do you think​ you can last in a relationsh​ip for 6 months?​
I've last in a relationship for about 8 years. 6 months aint shit.

Are you too shy to tell peopl​e when you're developing feelings for them?​
Sometimes, in this case I am.

Are you enemi​es with a former friend?
Childish.

Have you ever done somet​hing outrageously dumb?

Probably that time in Montreal I turned down a one-way street. Yeah, I think that's it.

Who was the last person you yelled at?
I honestly couldn't tell you. Probably my dogs.

Who was the last perso​n you cried infront of?
My boss... although not much.. I walked away to contain myself.

Who was the last perso​n you told you loved them?​
My sister.

Who was the last person you ate with?​
Courtney.

When was the last time you felt guilt​y about something?
Yesterday.

Are you dating the very last person you kissed on the lips?
Negative.

Are you keeping a big secret right now?
I guess you can say that.

If you had a baby with the last person you textd:
That baby would be one gorgeous looking baby. Hands down.

Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest for?
Fuck no.

Do you prefer to take showers in the morning or at night?
Morning, sometimes I do take 2 showers a day though.

Do you hate the last person you kissed?
Oh my god, no.

Do you always answer your phone?
Nah.

If your ex said they hate you, you say?
He does hate me and I laugh.

What would you do if your best friend told you that they were moving?
Ashley already did. She lives in South Carolina. Abbey already did, she lives in Los Angeles.
Nicole moved to Los Angeles a couple years ago but soon later came home. So, I've dealt with it
and currently am dealing with it the only way I know how. Visits, phone conversations and AIM.

Have you ever fallen asleep in someone's arms?
Yes, I find it calming. It's a nice feeling. :)

Are you any good at math?
Meh, I'm not horrible at it.

How did your day go yesterday?
Yesterday I had the shittiest day that I've ever had at work since I've been working at the hotel.

Was your last missed call from a boy or girl?
A girl. - Courtney.

Name something you're doing tomorrow?
Taking Courtney to work and then the doctors. Then going to work.

Do you sleep on your stomach?
Yes, mostly every night. The last 2 nights I've fallen asleep on my back.

Who was the last person that made you cry?
Leah. I feel terrible.

What are your favorite colors?
Pink, Black and Blue.

Anything you want to ask someone?
Sure.

Who was the last person that gave their number to you?
Someone who makes me giddy. :)

When was the last time you cleaned your room?
The day I came home from California.

How many letters are in your name?
7.

What are you excited about?
I'm excited for November 23rd and 24th. :)

Do you drink bottled water?
Yes. It's one of my fav. things to drink.

When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings?
A little while ago.

Have you lost friends in the past year?
I may not speak to a couple as much as I used to (or like) but I haven't completely lost anyone.

Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life?
I don't know if I have made a difference in anyone's life, but I hope that I impacted someone in some way.

Where is your phone?
On my desk, in front of me.

Something you do a lot?
Work. Talk/spend time with my friends. Travel. Go to shows. Listen to music.

Do you go to school currently?
No, but I wish I was.

Who are you expecting a call from?
Nobody.

When will your next kiss take place?
November 23rd. :0)

How are you feeling right now?
Exhausted.

When was the last time you smiled?
Today.

Who was the first person you talked to today?
Courtney. I called her cuz I set my alarm to take her to work this morning.
I set it for 5:30pm when it was supposed to be for 5:30am... sometimes I hate myself.

What did you do Saturday?
Saw a show w/ Alex.

When is the next time you'll hug someone?
Probably Thursday.

Are you afraid of roller coasters?
Fuck no, bring on the thrill!

Has anyone ever crawled through your window?
Haha, I do all the time!

Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with?
No, Abbey is my lifeline.

Have you told anybody you loved them today?
No, I have not.

Anyone on your mind right now?
Of course.

Last person to text?
Vinny.

Last person to sleep in bed with?
Abbey.

Last thing to annoy you?
Time and distance.

Do you like carrot cake?
I most certainly do not.

Do you like anyone right now?
I do.

Do you think you will go out with him/her anytime soon?
As in date? Nope. As in out for food/to a bar? Definitely.

An open letter for my friends.. (taken from my myspace)

I would just like to acknowledge the fact that I'm sorry for my behavior as of late. It's been brought to my attention that I haven't been myself. I've felt it to an extent, but I'm not sure what is happening. I know now that I have to slow down and take a look at the bigger picture and let reality soak in. I vouched a long time ago that I would never become the person to disregard people's feelings around me and that I would always try to do things to better myself. I believe I have fallen victim of doing just that, however, quite (horribly) unintenionally. I have some dues to pay, I realize that much.

I feel terrible. I don't ever want to be the bad guy. I'm human and I make mistakes. I will continue to work towards being a better daughter, a better sister, a better worker, a BETTER FRIEND and most importantly, just a better person overall. I don't want to be the awful me. I should know better. I've had so many people walk all over me, treat me badly and walk out of my life. It's not in my blood. I was raised better than that. I always told myself I would never, ever be like that.

I know from time to time everybody is guilty with being wrapped in their own head, because I've seen it. I suppose I've been too wrapped up in my own and I haven't taken much else of the real world into consideration-- and I AM beating myself up over it. What the fuck is my deal? That's it, I'm done.

I usually put everyone else's feelings before my own. I'm usually the one everybody can count on, everybody's escape goat and the one you can confide in. I'm the one who will drop everything and be at a troubled one's side in a matter of seconds. I love to help people. I love to listen. I'm stronger than most and people come to me and count on me to be there when shit in their life isn't going so good. I don't want people to think they can no longer do that. But please understand, I too need time to focus on myself for a little while. I too, need someone to fall back on when I get weak. I am not superwoman.

All of this, I this, I that... I, I, I. I'm so sorry for anyone who has thought it's all about me lately. I'm an asshole.

There is aboslutely no reason we should be at each other's throats, ever. There is no reason for us to not be able to talk openly to one another. Sometimes we just need an extra push. But in the end, everything usually works itself out.

To my friends, you all really mean the world to me. You have all been there for me during the most difficult times of my life. I'm truly, sincerely sorry if you think I've been taking you all for granted. I know that I wouldn't have gotten to where I am today without all of your advice, your guidance, your heart and your genorosity. I feel awful that I seemed to have taken advantage of the idea you will always be there. I'm sorry for any shitty thing that I've ever done to any one of you. If you think that I'm being an asshole, please tell me. I never mean to hurt any of your feelings and though along the way, some of you have done things to me to hurt me, I know that there is no excuse for ignorance. I am forever indebted to all of you. Thank you for everything, honestly - because I probably haven't told you that enough or even lately. Thank you for making me aware of what some people have been seeing from me, that I have not. Once again, I owe you.

Love your friend,
Kristie

and the Survey Says!!!!

Kiss anyon​e latel​y?​​​
I sure did.

Whats​ your curre​nt mood?​​​
Exhausted, but in a good mood.

When was the last time you cried​?​​​
At LAX... I absolutely did not want to leave.

Are you datin​g anyon​e right​ now?
Nope.

Are you happy​ right​ now?
Yes, for the most part. :)

Ever had your heart broken?
Yes.

What was the first​ thing​ you did when you woke up this morni​ng?​​​
Got ready for work!

Who was last in the car with you?
Ashley!

Do you like to read?​​​
I do.

Are any of your frien​ds talle​r than you?
A good majority of them are.

Do you miss anyon​e?​​​
Like you have no fucking idea!!

Do you get emoti​onal easil​y?​​​
Meh, I have my days.

Can you sleep​ witho​ut blank​ets cover​ing you?
In the summer, yes.

Do you still​ talk to your most recen​t ex?
HA!!!!!!!!

Ever lost someo​ne impor​tant to you?
Yes... never a fun situation.

Marke​rs or crayo​ns or color​ed penci​ls?​​​
Crayola!!! haha

Are looks​ impor​tant?​​​
I believe that looks aren't everything, but it surely is a nice perk!

Will you be in a relat​ionsh​ip in 1 month​?​​​
That would be awesome... but I'm pushing any issues.

Do you hate when peopl​e smoke​ aroun​d you?
Kind of. I can be a real brat about it, but I won't crucify anybody for it.

Who was the last perso​n to call YOU?
Courtney.

Does the last perso​n you held hands​ with mean anyth​ing to you?
Slowly starting too.. and I'm not afraid to admit that I'm terrified.

Where are you right now?
In my bedroom, blasting SAOSIN! (yes, at 1:30am)

Have you ever felt repla​ced?​​​
A couple times, yes.

Do you sleep​ with the close​t doors​ open or close​d?​​​
Open.

Anyon​e in posse​ssion​ of your cloth​ing right​ now?
Well, Abbey borrowed my socks for dance class. I never got those back. LMFAO!

Is your best frien​d a girl or guy?
Best girlfriends: 3
Best guyfriends: 3

Who was the last perso​n to smoke​ a cigar​ette in your prese​nce?​​​
Ashley.

What are you excit​ed about​?​​​
If I told you, I'd have to kill you.


Would​ you be able to tell someo​ne you love them,​​​ even if you didn'​​​t feel it?
Honestly, no.

Do you wear your seatb​elt in the car?
ALWAYS.

What were you doing​ at midni​ght last night​?​​​
I was talking to an extremely cute boy. :)

Do you want to get marri​ed & have child​ren some day?
Yes, some day.

Would​ you date some one 20 years​ older​ than you?
never

Would​ you ever date some one 20 years​ young​er then you?
Fuck that.

Are you waiti​ng for somet​hing?​​​
Desperately.

Will you talk to someo​ne on the phone​ tonig​ht?​​​
Well, if you count texting... I'm currently talking to him. :)

Is there​ anyon​e who doesn​'​​​t like you becau​se of somet​hing you didn'​​​t do?
Probably. who gives a shit.

Have you hugge​d anyon​e in the last 72 hours​?​​​
Yes I have.

Who was the last perso​n to walk out of your life and hurt you?
Even though I was the one who walked out, Cody.. because I felt like he walked out of my life before I had even ended things.

Have you ever been searc​hed by the cops?​​​
Not that I can recall. That would make for a hilarious story though.

Do you close​ your eyes on rolle​r coast​ers?​​​
Hell nawww.

When'​​​s the last time you'​​​ve been sledd​ing?​​​
It was either the time I was with my aunt and I hit a serious bump in the hill and flew about 25 feet in the air and landed upside down with the sled on my head.... or the time I was with my (other) aunt and we went down the hill together and we hit a bump and flew off the sled and she smacked her face into mine and made my mouth bleed. LOL!

Would​ you rathe​r sleep​ with someo​ne else,​​​ or alone​?​​​
Lately, with someone else.

Do you belie​ve in ghost​s?​​​
Meh.

Do you consi​der yours​elf creat​ive?​​​
Sometimes.

Have you ever been Ice Skati​ng?​​​
Oh my god, not in so long. Someone please go with me. One of the only things I actually enjoy about winter is ice skating. :(

How often​ do you remem​ber your dream​s?​​​
A good amount of the time.

When was the last time you laugh​ed so hard you cried​?​​​
Pretty much every day that I was with Abbey last week.

Do you belie​ve in love at first​ sight​?​​​
At one time I did... but I believe now it's lust at first sight.

What do you wear to bed?
t-shirt or tank top and shorts.

Do you sing in the showe​r?​​​
Sometimes, lol.

Have you ever been punched in the face?
The bitch tried. she missed. I didn't. :)

How is your heart​ latel​y?​​
Funny question, not.

Is your dad over the age of 40?
Yes.

Do you have sibli​ngs over the age of 21?
Yes, 2. Randy - 25 Bryan - 23

Do you still​ talk to the perso​n you fell harde​st for?
Fuck no.

Are you happy​ with your life?​​​
At this moment, yes.

Will you kiss the perso​n you last kisse​d again​?​​​
I know so. Only a few more weeks. :) :) :)

Uneasy thoughts..

First, I'm going to re-type my original entry
before firefox decided to dismantle it.
Then, I'm going to post a.. survey? haha

Anywho...

I can't help but replay this past weekends events in my head.
Over and over, and over again.
For once, I am stunned.
Absolutely speechless.

I never knew that side of me even existed.
Who knew that I had it in me?
What the hell happened?
Why you?
Why me?
I'm still trying to understand it.

And the worst part of it all,
I'm not supposed to like a guy like you.

Boys.
Not one... but two? what the fuck. seriously.

(ps, those of my friends who will actually read this, will not understand this entry.
and I will not discuss the details. so let your minds wander. thanks)

California L-O-V-E

I love it here. I don't ever want to leave this place.
These last few days have been nothing but the best.

ATL/MP day 3 (round 4) this evening.
One last hoorah until Cleveland.
let's do this.

Try to avoid disaster

tonight was Underoath ♥
it was phenomenal.
after about six years,
and quite possibly 27 shows later,
they are still my favorite live band.
hands down.

what made tonight even more great..
on the way there, while just shootin the shit,
i unexpectedly found out that (he) would also be there.
i was so excited i missed my exit!

and you know what?
i'm still smiling.

ugh, i'm 10 years old again.

busybody.

packing.

that's what i'm doing and it really shouldn't be this hard.
i promised myself i wouldn't over pack and here i am..
over-packing.
i'll repack tomorrow anyways, so why keep at it?

as if packing isn't stressing me out enough,
while doing so, it leaves an open field
for my mind to wander.

i can't help but feel the way i do..
he doesn't have the slightest clue
we'll see what happens..

but at least i'm realizing one thing.
that it's okay for me to be happy.

at least for this moment,
i have a smile on my face.

I was always loud enough..

you know, crushes can be cute sometimes,
but i'm not sure what to think of this.
i feel like i'm in first grade.

i haven't known him long,
which is silly, because after talking so much,
it's weird that we haven't met sooner.

but all i know is, i love being around him.
he puts the biggest fucking smile on my face.
please help me, i can't help but get giddy.
no awkward silences... that's a first (okay, maybe a second?) for me.
i feel like i've known him for years.

i feel a good friendship is in the works.

i'm optimistic. :)

I hate waiting.

And I'm still waiting for a sign-
Or just a win-win situation.
Can I hear it one more time?
Without the sound of devastation setting in.

if looks could really kill..

i keep typing up this long entry... and deleting it all.
i'm so confused lately. but... the real main reason of this entry was just to simply say.

THIS WEEKEND WAS FUCKING GLORIOUS.

there, that was simple enough.

FUCK.

Let's say, hypothetically, I've been friends with this boy for a while... years perhaps, haven't seen much of him because of his circumstances... haven't talked to him as much as I'd like because of those circumstances and because I'm shy, but the friendship has always been there. Let's say I've liked him since I met him.... but then your friend meets him (YEARS) later... and decides to start talking to him and likes him too? How fucking RETARDED.

All hypothetically speaking of course.

Well, you said you wanted war..

This is really hard for me to admit, but I'm going to say it.
Everybody and their fucking mothers are right about me.

I don't have the ability to read well into guys.
I never have. It's just not as easy for me as it is for others.
I have a really hard time opening up. I have trust issues.
but for good reason.
I have horrible anxiety and am easily overwhelmed.
I have my own insecurities... and sometimes;
all I need is that little extra push.. and a little leverage.

This isn't only about guys. That's not what this is entirely about.

I always say that I don't want to depend on others,
but let's face the facts, sometimes I need too.
I only have a few that I can absolutely depend on..
but right now, every single one of them has their own shit to deal with
and I have no one to go to that can even begin to try and help me.

I feel trapped.
Legs buckle, knees hit the ground.
and there I am, watching my world spin in circles;
completely unaware of what's happening around me.

lost.

Le sigh.

I booked my flight to Los Angeles today. :)
Even though it isn't permanent - yet.
I'm just visiting Abbey and getting a feel for it first.
I'm so excited! Best birthday present ever.

I wish I could read minds.
Lately, I'm so temperamental about everything.
I think my mom can see it, too.
She's been telling me to 'calm down' lately.
I'm just so blah and all over the place.

I don't want to hear about your ex girlfriend.
and I don't want to hear about your fiance.

Hmmfph.

Sometimes.

Sometimes I like to lie to myself. -- Well, not lie, but pretend like things are okay when they're not.
Okay, nevermind.

Yep.

Sometimes I do this:

Last thing you and your ex boyfriend/girlfriend talked about?
The last thing he and I talked about? Wow, this would be back in March. He wanted me to take him back. I refused. I knew I needed to get out of our relationship. I haven't talked to him since.

Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced?
I thought about it, but decided not too. I kind of want my monroe done, though.

Interested in anyone at the momet?
For the first time in a long time, I can say yes.

Have you had more than 3 boyfriends/girlfriends at the same time?
Are you kidding? I'm more of a one man kind of girl. - I dated the same one for 8 years for fucks sake!

What will you do this week?
I work tomorrow, sunday, monday, tuesday and wednesday. Wednesday evening I head to Toronto for the night, Thursday I'm going to Syracuse, Friday is party errand day, Saturday is my party and Sunday is recoup day. Monday is the start of another work week.

Are you in a good mood right now?
For the most part.

What's bothering you right now?
The fact that I'm broke and don't know how to say no.

Are you on medication for anyting?
No, but I wish I had some morphine or something for this back pain I'm currently experiencing.

Last female you slept in the same room with?
Leah and I are always traveling. - Pittsburgh, John Mayer.

If you were upset, who's the first girl you would go to?
Abbey, Leah, Kendyl, Nicole. Whoever would answer first..

Do you need to say anything to someone?
I wish I had the balls to say something to someone.

When was the last time someone yelled at you?
Probably a few weeks ago and it was over something completely fucking retarded.

Is it cute when boys kiss on the forehead?
I fucking LOVE it. ;)

What's the biggest age difference between you and someone you've dated?
Uh, 2 years maybe?

Do you think any of your ex-boyfiends/girlriends are attractive?
Well, I dated them for a reason didn't I?

Who woke you up today?
I woke up all by myself.

Current Mood?
A little bit of everything. Tiredness, impatient, pain, etc.

How long was your last phone call?
8m 14s

How many kids do you want to have?
1 or 2 maybe

Do you want to fight someone?
Not really. I haven't fought anyone since 9th grade.

What did you do today?
worked... that's about it.

Who was your last text message from?
Courtney

Has anyone ever told you they love you?
Yes.

Do you get along with your mom?
I'm glad to say my mom is one of my best friends.

Do you believe in true love?
Sometimes.

What made you sad today?
Nothing made me sad.

When was the last time you were disappointed?
Today.

What's something you'd like to have right now?
A nice boy to cuddle with.

How's your hair today?
Straight, as usual.. but flatter that normal which is kind of making me angry.

Do you fall for people easily?
For the most part no, but I think I'm falling for somebody and it kind of scares me.

When's the last time you were surprised?
Honestly? August 23rd.

Does the last person you held hands with, mean anything to you?
The last person I held hands with was Kendyl. lmfao - before that was one of the All Time Low boys... so not really.

Could you go a day without eating?
I went 2 days without eating this week. Damn flu.

Who was the last person in your bedroom?
Jessica.

Are you missing someone?
I'm currently missing a shit load of people.

Why is your myspace song what it is?
Because I was in a silly mood.

Who took your default picture?
I did. It's now officially a year old though. I took it the afternoon of Jack's Mannequin in September of 2007.

What color shirt are you wearing?
Blue.

When was the last time you talked to your number 2?
Via Myspace today.. in person? A couple weeks ago. :(

Do you think you'll be in a relationship 3 months from now?
I'd like to say/wish yes. Unfortunately, that wouldn't be fair to the guy nor myself, when I'm moving to California, supposedly at the end of the year. But we'll see.

Are you typically a jealous person?
Every now and again, but that's only natural. I'm not the jealous girlfriend type at all though.

Do you know anyone that smokes pot?
hahaha, yesss.

Do you still talk to the person you last dated?
Haven't talked to him since March.

Something happen today that made you angry?
Nothing.

What were you doing before this survey?
Trying to put my thoughts into words...

What will you do after the survey?
Probably go to sleep, I have to work in the morning.

First thing you do when you wake up?
Sometimes shower, sometimes just bum around the house.

What's on your bedroom floor right now?
pair of pj shorts, pillow, ab lounge, jack's mannequin hoodie, the book I'm reading, my shoes and a hollister bag.

Do you still talk to the first person you kissed?
Like, first kiss, or first REAL kiss? I haven't talked to the guy I first 'kissed' in a while... although he lives on my street and I haven't talked to the guy I first 'real kissed' in a couple months.

Did you have a dream last night?
Yes, actually.

Where were you at 3:02 AM this morning?
In my bed, reading.

Where is your bf/gf right now?
I don't have a boyfriend.

Do you trust people easily?
Sometimes... but for the most part, my guard is always up.


---------------------


What's a fact about the last person who had their arms around you?
The last person who had their arms around me, as in hug? Kendyl - she's my best friend.

What do you currently hear right now?
I'm currently listening to my boys: There For Tomorrow.

When was the last time you were told you were beautiful?
I hear it all the time from older men, which is fucking terrible.

Could you go a day without eating?
Didn't I answer this in the first survey?

Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with a C?
Bahahaha. Story of my fucking life. - Cody.

Does your guardian force you to go to church or do they let you make the decision?
I've never been... so I guess I made that decision.

Where is the furthest place you've traveled?
I flew to Florida. But the longest place I've driven to was Illinois.

How long does it take you to shower?
to take an actual shower, about 10-15 minutes, but to get ready about 30-45mins.

What was last thing you drank?
Diet Lipton Peach Papaya White Tea.

If you could have anything right now, what would it be?
For next week to get here... and October 29th, CALI-FORN-I-A.

What was for dinner last night?
I don't know, I worked until midnight.

Does anyone love you?
I'm sure my family and friends do.

How has the week been?
Long.. and it's only going to get longer.

Do you curse in front of your parents?
All the time?

What girl can you tell everything too?
Abbey.

Have you ever kissed anyone who's name started with an A?
Yes, there were three. Anthony, Andrew and Adam.

When a friend walks out of your life, do you go after them or let them go?
If I feel it's worth it, go after them. Sometimes I won't care, because I know they'll be back anyways.

Does anyone hate you?
Probably..

What are you doing tonight?
Going to sleep.

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
I believe in giving second chances, given the circumstances.

Have you chewed gum after someone else already has?
Ew. No.

Do you have a crush on somebody?
Maybe. ;)

Have you ever seen your best friend cry?
I've seen all my best friends cry. (except my guy friends, wussies)

Do you walk around naked?
Bahaha. Noooo.

Does the person you like, like you back?
That's a good question. I'm not sure at the moment.

Have you met anyone new this summer?
I made a bunch of new friends while following Warped this summer.

What are you thinking about right now?
Sleep.

Are you a morning or night person?
I'm more of a night person, but not a bad morning person.

Flooding mind.

Here I go, my mind doing laps again.

One day this won't be as hard.

Don't forget about the blue skies..

I figured my parents disapproved of me wanting to move to California because my brother basically left his life here and moved to Washington.
Apparentally, I was wrong.

My parents were outside talking, probably thinking it was a better place for them to talk without my sister and I hearing what they were talking about.

My mom was saying something like how she just wants all of us happy. Whether it makes Bryan happy to be in Washington, Lindsey getting her Jetta, Randy doing whatever it is he wants.. and me going to California. I over heard her saying, "I just want the kids to be happy. Especially Kristie. She works so fucking hard. I want her to be in California with her friend and the palm trees."

I had to laugh to myself... the palm trees mom? really? haha. Thanks for respecting my wishes.

I worry, I worry all the time why worry?

Lately, I've been tired and uninspired.

I've been thinking of ways that I can grow as a person,
and to better the circumstances around me.
I know that only I can make changes to make my life,
that feel worthwhile and rewarding. It's just so hard sometimes.
I try to roll with the punches as best as I can, but seriously;
a person can only tolerate so much.

I'm waiting for something to have a substanial impact on myself,
in hopes that maybe one day I can have an impact on someone else.

Yesterday my mom told me that my dad mentioned to her that I was a good kid.
My mom replied with, "I know," and my dad went on to say,
"No, I mean, she is a good kid. She helps us out a lot."
and my mom goes, "I know."
I feel like sometimes it's not enough... I owe a lot to my parents.

I have a lot to be greatful for...
I have great friends, family, a job and a car.
I get to virtually do whatever I want, whenever I want.

Why do I always feel like there is something missing?
But something just doesn't feel right.

I kind of hit a road block - a wall of some sort.

I feel lost...

I just really need to stop worrying.

Tell me how..

Day by day I'm learning.

Learning how to keep my head up.
Learning how to have faith in others, as well as in myself.

I'm learning how to become a better person.
I'm learning how to see the better side of things.

I'm learning that sometimes it's okay to be a little selfish.

I'm learning that, a lot of the times, people think the worst of you.
I'm learning that, people have a hard time thinking the best of you.

I'm learning that there is a lot more hostility in the world that is needed.
I'm learning that it's okay to open up your heart, even if it's a little bit or just temporary.

I'm learning how to mend a broken heart, even if it's taken a lot longer than I thought it would.
I'm learning how to let go of the past, even though so much of it, is what actually has kept me together.

I'm learning that I only need a core group of people in my life to keep me afloat.
I'm learning that I have a really hard time letting people in.

I'm learning to adjust to my insecurities... slowly.
I'm learning how to admit when I'm afraid.

I'm learning how to find my place in this ugly world.

I'm learning that it's okay to ask for a little help sometimes.

I'm learning... there's a lot of things that I'm still learning.